Friday

celebratin' big butts and homecomin's

i have wished all my life for long legs. it's not so much that i don't like the ones i have but everyone knows that long slender legs and small butts are what everyone wants. you never hear anyone longin for a big butt and chunky thighs - except maybe that guy who wrote that rappy tune about likin big butts that is now being used to advertise school supplies - but i don't think that did much to turn around everyone's thinkin.

i recently started my exercise routine again. about an hour ago. seems all this dabblin in desginin doo dads for delivery via download has not been kind to my behind. i'm not alone. there is this new phenomenon that has developed as a result of a woman sitting long hours doin up ditigal doo dads. it will sneak up on you if you aren't payin attention or watching for it. this unkindness may make for a more comfortable sit but standin will become less flatterin.

i had hoped in my case the long trek back and forth to jo's trailer would have helped a little with this thing i call the digital doo dad'n derierre but makin the round trip in mini's dad's golf-cart-turned-lawn-warrior-mobile with a hand full of fritos pre-dipped in bean dip has done nothin to lighten the load. fightin jo for the rights to the vehicle has provided a bit of areobics but not enough to work off the extra cake calories needed for my behind to look like it did previous to me meetin my daily double digit goal for designin doo dads.

i look pretty good as long as i'm only seen waving from the car or in seated scenarios. i do believe it has gotten past the point of being able to hide it behind a grocery cart or large handbag though. i really started gettin concerned when even my favorite old overalls i've worn since the eighth grade and which saw me comfortably through pregnancy were feelin a little snug across the hips. this was not good since during my makin of mini mo my husband liked to announce, because of my size, 'my wife is givin birth to a baby and it's pets - two german shepherds and a shetland pony' - the pets referring to the fact that i appeared to be formin more than just a small human inside my 5 foot almost 3 inch body and these extras were being created in the large projectiles that had once been my breasts and what had become a big fat butt that sort of melted into two short blobby thighs.

my mother and father should have never been allowed to come together and create children. they both had short legs and together created more short legged creatures who have ended up havin a deep desperate desire for even one long leg. in case you were fortunate enough to have normal length extremities and aren't aware, if you've got short legs and put on anything more than an extra half a pound, it attaches to the back of your thigh and then continues to pile up there, moving around to the side slightly so that you've got yourself what is called 'saddlebags'. maybe that's only what they are called in texas and in your neck of the woods go by somethin just as disgustin but whatever you know them as, they arrive and once there, are difficult to remove.

if this scenario is allowed to progress, the extra poundage then works it's way further up your sides and creates a new body part called 'love handles'. why they're called that i'll never understand cause there's nothin to love about em. this is one more development that occurred while i sacrificed up my much cared for and toned physique for makin a child and another that my once prince charmin took great pleasure in using for his constant comedy at others expense routine.

he found great pleasure in tellin me how nice it would be that i could carry HIS baby and two diet cokes to him at the same time with no problem meanin that i could set a can on each handle for the trip. if it was possible to get a divorce at the 7-11 while payin for a day's worth of baby ruths and a gallon sized slurpy i would have done so but since that was about all i had the energy for while haulin around a developin baby, her pets and all those new body parts, i had to just buck up and endure this extra attention showered on me in my time of growth.

it might be okay if i had been blessed with only the short leg gene but also bein dinged with the double D delights that cast shadows over anything i stood above since the age of 12 makes it difficult to find duds to disguise a digital doo dad'n derrière. the long baggy shirt look may hide the big baggy bottom hidin beneath but the protrusion of the D's above creates a tent like effect that only makes you look bigger than you can take credit for. winter is good. the cold weather allows for the wearin of a coat of some sort and many hours of doo dad'n can therefore be hidden.

if you have any hope of keepin from the world the new additions to your body in the warmer months, forget it and just plan on puttin in lots of time in front of the screen because there is no summer frock i have yet to discover that will allow you to keep your growin a secret. it's temptin just lock the house up tight and tell your friends you are goin abroad for the summer months - it will be the truth if you act like you accidently added the 'a' before the 'broad'.

lettin it be known you are available during sunny times means you might have to endure a fate worse than death to a mom with an expandin behind - an invitation to a pool party. i have made a habit of gettin the mail before any one else in the family and if such doom arrives in my mailbox, i walk straight to the trash, pitch it in and never mention it to a soul. no need for guilt on this one - dastardly deeds done during these difficult times are supposedly forgiven.

i'd give anything to be one of those expanding women who seem to never give their size a thought, squeeze into a swimsuit and head for any waterin hole available. once there, they frolic in their half nakedness as if the vison shown to those around them is that of only loveliness and jump in and out of the water like super models struttin down the runway with nary a cover-up in sight. me - if i were sittin around a pool less than fully clothed, there could be someone drowning right in front of me and i'd STILL have to throw on the vison protecting cover-up before standing to leap in and save their life.

if you are the long legged small behind type who can eat anything and never gain an ounce, all this might sound a bit crazy but it will be understood by other 'normal' women with 'normal' bodies who give up all the other joys of life and even good nutrition to make sure they have properly documented their family's daily comins and goins through digital doo dad'n and who therefore have also developed the doo dad' derrière problem from lack of any real movement besides their eyeballs and clicker finger and being forced to eat calorie laden foods right there at the screen for fear of not getting their latest layout succesfully posted for all the world to see.

having now read all these facts i have written for you to ponder, imagine my utter delight when while once again givin up precious time cookin or cleanin or listenin to new comedy routines invented around my few shortcomins, i am at the doo dad'n station, listenin to the t.v. and i hear that it is has been discovered that having a big butt and large thighs is GOOD FOR YOU! yes indeedy - i am tellin you the gospel truth...there he was, that handsome matt sittin next to that perky katie sayin those exact words...BIG BUTTS AND THIGHS ARE GOOD FOR YOU! i could've choked on my second double fudge chocolate chip breakfast muffin i was so shocked!

if this wasn't enough heart poundin excitement for a year at least, the phone rings around the same time and it's that animal loving skinny legged flat butted and therefore unhealthy woman from the humane society tellin mini that our bird dogs have been found and the finders are on their way to our house to bring em home that very minute!

well, i swear i thought my heart might just stop from all this happiness! i had certainly given up on wishin for a world where big butts and large thighs was somethin to long for and i hate to admit it but i my wish that we'd find our bird dogs alive and well was beginnin to fade.

but here they were, leapin through the front door lookin better than they had in quite some time or maybe it just seemed like it since i had been picturing them as starvin to death in some field somewhere for a week and a half now. it was an overwhelmin emotional homecomin. seems a couple that lives just a few blocks away were eating dinner a week ago yesterday when their own big black dog pushed open the door and let lady bird and lucy bird in. i never asked why it took them so long to haul em on down to the humane society, especially when i could tell the man was having a hard time letting go of lady and the nice woman had tears in her eyes. i just kept huggin em and thankin them for bringing the girls home to us.

so there you have it....proof positive that sometimes even the most impossible wishes can come true. of course by next week they'll announce some reason that this latest discovery about the big butts and thighs is all wrong but between now and then i am going to have the best time sitting on my spreading derrière designing doo dads for delivery via download completely guilt free for the first time in quite a while.

things are progressing on the fake store front and i am wishin i can finish off this week with celebratin the doors opening up for at least a little testing of the fake cash register! keep your fingers crossed for me - it sure helped in bringin the bird dogs home and your emailed wishes for their safe return will never be forgotten!