moms

sweet puppies
recently one of my cyber acquaintances lost her mother. i haven't been able to stop thinkin' about her sadness but since i don't know her well enough to send her suggestions on how to go forward in the comin' days that will turn into years o' missin' her mom, i thought i'd blog about my own experience here.

my mom died three years ago from breast cancer. once i got through the first stage of sadness and began to try to resume my life, i realized that since her death, thoughts about my mom popped into my mind hundreds o' times a day and each time i had to do my best to not to be pulled into that dark hole that is so very close to your feet durin' the difficult times of your life. it's okay that the monster within had a grip around one o' my ankles - i could deal with that - but once i allowed it to yank me into that dark deep hole, i knew i would be in serious trouble for a long period o' time.

when you have a loved one die from an illness it's not like in the movies or on television. they don't just get sick and then lay in bed and after awhile, close their eyes forever. it's usually long and drawn out and sad and noisy and really horrible and they seldom look anything like they did when they were well. so it takes quite awhile for your thoughts of them to be of who they were before they became sick. this can't be forced - i know cause queenie i and talked many times about tryin' to do so. we wanted our thoughts to be of the happy lil chatty lady who never had a good hair day and still thought polyester was the best invention ever, who never met a stranger and who everyone loved. instead the visions that danced in our heads were of a shrunken person with one sprout o' somethin' that looked like sprigs o' steel wool stickin' outta the top o' her tiny head...someone who was usin' every bit o' strength she had left just to breathe in and out.

after her death, it took almost a whole year for thoughts o' my dear mom to return to the mother she was before those last sad days. it just happened one day that the pictures that accompanied the constant thoughts that popped into my head without warnin' was the one i had longed for. it was around this time that i had the revelation that kept that monster from pullin' me down into his dangerous hole - those constant thoughts of my mom weren't brought about by her death - they had been there all along! it was just that i didn't pay much attention to their steady presence until each one was associated with sadness and pain.

i realized that my mom had been there in almost everything i did almost every day - how could she not be? she's the person who had either taught me how to do everything i did everyday or had been there the first time i did the things i still do or i had talked to about the things that make up my every day life. somewhere as i brushed my teeth or sewed a stitch or did a doo dad, long before she was sick, she was there. when i put mini to bed or comforted her when she had a bad day or prayed for the body snatcher to snatch some other pre-teen-bein', she had always been poppin' in and outta my mind (especially durin' the body snatchin' times - i do so owe her an apology for my own time with the body snatcher).

i'm pretty sure this is what all daughters must experience somewhere deep in their subconscious their entire lives, in everything they do - the floatin' in and out of thoughts and images of our moms. maybe sons do it too but not havin' been anything but a daughter i can't say for sure. anyway, none of us pay much attention to 'em 'til our mothers are lost to us and then these 'visits' can make us feel a constant sadness that are capable of sendin' us straight into the monster's depressing hole.

realizin' this has made all the difference for me. little by little i began to let myself celebrate my mom's life and look forward to her poppin' in and out of my daily life instead of associatin' each visit with her loss. it also helps me be a better mom to mini cause knowin' she too will always have me poppin' in and out, i want to be at my best in each pop!

there are still those times where i am overwhelmed with sadness that my mom died but there are now more times when i just feel lucky that she was mine and was here to be mini's grandmother. mini spent her summer bakin' and sewin' and more than once she announced outta the blue, 'wouldn't grandmother melissa be so happy to see how i love the same things she loved". i am thankful i could be delighted at her feelin' and sharin' this with me and not in some dark hole unable to hear her.

i do so hope my cyber friend can move closer each day to celebratin' her mother's life and if she ever feels like she may fall into the grip o' the monster, feel free to ask for help from those who have experienced a bit more healin'.

today's blog accompanyin' art is - once again - the cute lil un-dogs that surround me. i promise to change subjects soon if you'll indulge me just a lil longer!