an april fool

i love holidays...decoratin' and makin' the doo dads and all the desired dietary needs that are only done up durin' those days that only arrive once upon each calendar. and there's just enough time between each to prepare for the next....although i think whoever planned these things could'a done better and allowed more time between the time the pilgrims broke bread with the indians and when baby jesus made his debut in the manger. and while i am complainin', it would work out better if it wasn't necessary for hanukah to move around.....and there's waaaay too much time to get ready for the fourth o' july when that time sure would come in handy if moved between thanksgiving and christmas/hanukah...and i think everyone would agree we could use at least one more week between santa and when that ball drops.

anyway, like i said, i love holidays...all of 'em except april fool's day. it's the one i don't care for in the least. it's not that i don't like joking around and laughin' and fun....nosireebob...that is not the case whatsoever. what i don't like is jokes at other people's expense. it makes me have great anxiety and i have ruined many a friend's big april fool's plans for trickin' another by givin' it all away too soon. i think you know the type o' jokin' i mean...foolin' someone into thinkin' somethin' bad has happened or sometimes worse, foolin' them into thinkin' somethin' good has happened that they will soon be terribly disappointed to discover really hasn't. and unfortunately both those sorta pranks are what april fool's day brings about. so, like i said, i love all the holidays except this one.


i am not sure what category the joke someone in my family played on me falls into...maybe you can help me decide. what i do know is that for the first time in my life, i may just be capable to not only revenge but a revenge prank....and a grand one....and i do believe i may be able to pull it off with out havin' the least bit o' anxiety or guilt....because whoever presented moland with today's entertainment at my expense deserves nothin' less than somethin' extraordinary.

see...since there was no prep work involved, i forgot altogether that it was april fool's day. heck - i didn't even know it was already even close to april! so when i went down to the kitchen to slave over cool tile while i prepared breakfast for mini by dumpin' some cocoa puffs into a bowl, i had no reason to think that the beady eyed creature waitin' in the fridge to attack me was anything but very real.

i am sure in the pictures it is quite obvious that the creature is fake - not even a very good fake....but when spotted unexpectedly while grabbin' for a carton, i could swear it tried to bite me and would have if i hadn't hurled the milk to the floor and ran screamin' from the house. it wasn't until i could hear laughter comin' from hither and yon that it started to sink in...i had been set up.

i am a very good mother (or at least try really hard to be) , wonderful wife (and no one better say otherwise) and there is no other cousin in the land that can compare. no way did i deserve to be scared half to death by findin' one o' the things i fear most in my fridge. so...for the first time ever i will be lookin' forward to april fool's day more than any other holiday on the calendar...and it appears there's plenty o' time now to not only figure out who provided today's treat but for me to prepare properly. suggestions are welcome of course!

hope your day was less heart poundin' than mine and that the sunshine is puttin' a spring to your step!

birthday parties & snail huntin'

the great snail hunt, originally uploaded by mo jackson.

i always wanted to be a mother and high up on the list of things i was lookin forward to doin, along with all the really important ones, was celebratin birthdays with elaborate creative parties each and every year.

i must say in the beginning i had the best ol time making the plans and creating the mutli-part invites by hand and going overboard with the decided upon theme and creatin party favors that would make it into the party favor hall of fame if one existed. and i was lucky that mini's dad just kept forkin over more dough for all the things i came up with to make sure mini mo had the best birthdays ever and would always remember with fondness how much we adored her and wanted her big day to be really special. and of course all the good photo ops created to have for lookin thru later in her life.

but i realized pretty early on this birthday party throwing can become overwhelmin. the problem is, whatever you do one year, you are expected - even if it's yourself doin the expectin - to do even better the next year. i achieved this silly goal for the most part.

we had an incredible farm party with a cajun band and just about every kind of farm animal imaginable in attendance. it went off without a hitch except that the goats ate all the flowers in all the flowers beds and the valet parkin guy left with most of the guests car keys so we had to pay to have the cars opened and new keys made.

then there was the really fancy tea party catered by the la-tee-da caterer but because they forgot to bring the ice i had to go get some and missed mini being suprised when snow white and all seven dwarfs arrived. i missed most of the circus party too - i was actually in attendance but don't really remember it much cause the man that would turn into a clown set his bag full of clown stuff down right behind me and when i turned to show him where he could go to turn into a clown, i tripped over the bag and injured myself so bad i had to take some pain relievin potion just to be able to move so it was just all a big blur. i hear it was a great party though.

even the parents enjoyed the party that the rock climbin man actually brought the big fake rock thing all the way up our long driveway so all the kids and parents could scale up and down over and over. but it was a bad day for mini's daddy's prized grass. see, even though the rock providin man had come a month earlier, just to make sure he could get the mountain in where it needed to be and then out again, it ended up the only way that fool could leave with the mountain was to drive his enormous truck and the whole mountain right down the middle of the beloved golf course like lawn. i think i would have understood mini's dad filin for a divorce that very night and tho he didn't i still hear about that truck draggin the mountain thru his grass from time to time.

the most memorable one for me was the year mini's weener dog betty turned one (she was actually born on the same day as mini) and mini wanted everyone to bring their dogs to the party with them - sort of a BYOD. mini's dad arranged for a whole dog circus to come and perform in the back yard. problem was the dog man got the time wrong and by the time he got here he had to set up the dog circus tent on the sloped front lawn (fixed since the mountain was pulled through it).

the tilt made it real difficult for the dog man and all the dogs to perform their tricks correctly. mini's dad finally had to tell him he could stop torturing the lil canines when the well-dressed poodles tried to stand on top of each other until there was a stack of about six of em on top of a unicycle and then the bottom one was supposed to take em all for a ride. they lost control and almost ended up in the street way down below where there was a big traffic jam of cars stopping to watch the whole crooked dog event.

of course the kids thought it was all part of the act - the dog man and his lil dressed up poodles flying hither and yon to the circus organ music but me knowin differently found the whole thing quite painful to watch even though the 70 somethin year old dog man in his one piece shiny blue spandex jumpsuit kept saying 'but the show must go on!'. last thing i wanted to happen was mini and all her friends being traumatized for life by seeing a bunch of pink skirted poodles and their master getting killed in some horrible trapeze accident because the slope made all of em miss their mark. it was surprisin though that all the dogs got along and the only fight that took place was between two of the moms.

before i knew it another year had passed and it was time to start plannin another birthday party. i have to admit i was dreadin hearin what mini had dreamed up for this year's celebration. you can imagine how thankful i was when mini asked if my feelins would be hurt if instead of having to come up with a big party for me to have (is that what she thought we were doing all that time!) if she just invited a few friends over for a slumber party. well, this was just what i had been hopin and dreamin for. she wanted to just order pizzas and swim and build a tent with blankets in the playroom and watch movies and do some' fun stuff'. i was beside myself with joy!

the big day arrived and it was so nice to enjoy spendin the day with mini instead of workin like a horse to get ready for a big ol party. i felt good about the whole thing until about an hour after the glrls arrived. they were bored with the swimming and asked me what fun thing i had planned for them to do since i was their favorite mom and they always looked forward to coming to our house because i had the best ideas in the whole wide world. ahhhhhh! i didn't dare tell them the plan i had...my plan was to dial the number to the pizza delivery place and plop their pizzas down in front of em to eat while they sat under the blanket tent and watched a movie. i guess all that flattery just wouldn't allow me to tell em that was all there was....so i said - well - it's real exciting - and i ran in the house without a clue as to what i would come back out with.

and that's what led up to my best birthday party activity idea in the history of me bein a mother and one that many people are still copying for their own parties. i gave the girls some little buckets i had been keeping art supplies in and had them write their name on the bottom with a sharpie. then they each got a flashlight and a pair of clean garden gloves and i told em we were going on a snail hunt.

for the next four hours we traveled all over the property gathering every single snail we could find - and there were hundreds of em. they had been making my gardening life a misery ever since i caught mean bob from next door pitching a big ol jar of em over the fence onto my side....who knows how many times he had done this before i caught him but for the last three years the slimy guys had been eating everything i planted. they were quick and ruthless. i once spent a whole day planting and the next morning it was as if they backed up a u-haul and moved the whole flower bed to another location. we tried everything to run em off that wouldn't kill our pets. the thing that worked best was putting out the beer for them to be attracted to but our weener wilma was attracted to it too and was becomin an alcoholic so we had to stop that technique.

i haven't seen a snail since that birthday which delights me but is sure disappointin when the kids ask if we can have another big snail hunt. too bad they can't catch squirrels or other creepy critters with just a bucket, flashlight and gloves. i'd sure be settin that up for the comin birthday.looks like mini has many things planned for her thirteenth birthday next week and none of them involve animals or fake mountains or party favors or invitations or really anything for me to do except maybe hand over the credit card. while i am relieved not to be trying to entertain a hundred or so people better than i did the year before, i must admit i to missin it some. i'm realizing it's an awful good thing i have the un-dog and the doo dads to keep me busy cause the body snatcher is needing less and less of me these days.

it's not that i'm exactly having a big ol pity party for myself in place of a big ol birthday party for mini but i do think there should be as many classes and books offered for moms concernin this change of life as there are when you're gonna have a baby or that other change that sounds almost as unpleasant as this one maybe but just not so sudden in comin on. like - why isn't there a 'what to expect when you're expectin...that baby to turn into a pre-teen". there's all sorts of books about kids that are talkin back or misbehavin....i can't find a single one written that involves a good kid just gettin older and more independent but where the mother is misbehhavin because she just isn't ready for it yet. is it possible that there aren't enough of us odd ones to bother helpin? and another thing i can't find is any help with the pros and cons of all this new fangled computer stuff mini wants to do....like instant messages and live journnals and something called my space. my excuse that oprah said it was a bad idea is starting to run a little thin and i need some help. maybe if i make it to the other side of it all i'll write that book myself - the one for the odd mothers as i can't be the only one that doesn't fit the normal description...could i?

well...i'm sure you're gettin tired of me complainin about the body snatcher and all the critter problems - altho i'm hopin one of you out there can benefit from having a big ol snail hunt! want you to know all the doo dads that were ordered before this week have been mailed so if yours didn't arrive yet and you haven't been chattin with us already (and you weren't one of the handful i emailed confessing to finding your stamped and ready to go package had somehow made it under the shabby couch), please email us so we can look into why they haven't arrived yet. we have worried ourselves silly just knowing we couldn't possible have sent so many doo dads in so many directions to so many people without making SOME mistake. we sure are lookin forward to you being able to download your doo dads right after you discover them and have to thank you again for the patience you have extended to me and jo over the last month. you won't be asked to use any when we're done with our site chores and are hoping to reward all of you who had to this past month!

before i go....i wanted to thank you all for sending me your "dorothy's kitchen" art - it's been amazin. dorothy has been having a time with her vision the last few years and hasn't seen the art or your work yet but her daughter margaret is going to be visitin' her this weekend and is going to make everything i send her big enough for dorothy to see and she will be delighted to see her name sake is getting lots of use! thank you for stopping by again!

mo' critters

happy squirrel, originally uploaded by mo jackson.

the squirrel has started throwin things at us. it was bad enough when it would just sit and stare...really creepy which is why we had to shut the sight of her (or maybe it's male and a cross dresser) out along with the sunlight. the weird thing is, if we are both down at jo's trailer, the squirrel moves down there too and sits on the buick until we come out.

mini's dad called the critter man to come take care of the problem but that odd ball who sells liquid diet aides on the side (wonder what's in em...?) only has one way of takin care of critters and it isn't to relocate em to a place where they are more welcome and i;m not sure i can allow that to happen to tracy just yet...if ever.

we do need him to come though and take care of a different sort of critter that is stealing the linens and oven mitts downstairs. i am only finally admittin about this other critter so openly because i now know it isn't just my abode that claims to have 'em.

gigi woke me up early the other mornin (altho any time someone wakes me lately i consider it early) to tell me she was leavin and would be back after she did her chores.

chores. how interestin....i don't think mini has ever heard that word...i was most curious, early or not, to hear what sort of chores gigi was responsible for. about 7th on her long list (includin washin the car and walkin the dogs) was settin out the rat traps with peanut butter. i was thrilled - not to share my peanut butter (speakin of which if you haven't tried the low fat kind you must as it is better than the fat plus kind) but to finally know i was not the only person livin in a fancy house that could claim these critters in residence. when it comes to critters oh how misery loves company!

gigi said everyone on the street has been complainin about em. she knows this because her mom and the chatty mailman converse everyday when he drops off her mail for oh say 30 minutes or so leadin the older couple directly across the street from gigi's house to claim they are havin a torrid affair but if they are it's done while he sits in the jeep with the engine running and she stands about six feet away on the porch. anyway, because of their daily torrid affair, she gets all the scoop from him and passes it on to gigi who passes it on to me if she thinks about it.

we never had a problem with these other kinds of critters until last year when all our cats up and moved to the bigger house behind us which i can't remember if i have told you about - the one ferdinand marcos bought for his mistress dovey? did i already write about that? well, anyway, they all moved back there i think because of the koi ponds and left us vulnerable to those other critters.

our first sign of em was really scary. in our pantry we have those wire metro shelves and on the bottom shelf is where we kept the snow cone syrup and durin the night the creepy critter poked holes in the bottom of the cherry and it spilled out all over the floor and looked like there had been a murder. it ended up doing this to all the flavors except coconut and pineapple - guess that sort of critter doesn't like the more tropical flavors. anyway, it got worse until i had to have all the food put in those plasitc drawer type things and you know what? they ate through those too. no matter what we did to get rid of em they just kept comin in the night and stealing our food.

then it got worse - they decided to come for lunch. it was bad enough to know they were lurking down there in the dark while we slept but when they came during the day...i was ready to move. then - thinkin it was about as bad a critter situation as possible, i actually encountered one eyeball to creepy little eyball.

mini and i wouldn't head downstairs without takin somethin with us - either a clunky shoe or a fork or spoon from the upstairs kitchen type area...we'd then head down the back staircase and right before we stepped off the last stair, we'd hurl whatever weapon we'd chosen around the corner to scare em off in case one was visitin. indeed this was a strange sight for any visitor - walkin into a kitchen with a floor full of flatwatre and shoes but we were left with no other choice during this difficult time. it also made it hard to dress as it never failed that the pair of shoes that you knew would be just perfect for what you had chosen to wear - well, you only had one of em and to get the other meant you'd have to go through the whole routine.

anyway, after a while i guess the disgustin lil fella just didn't mind the objects flyin into the kitchen unannounced because i was forced to go down to get a handful of chocolate chips as i was feelin sort of weak - low blood sugar maybe - and i did the whole throwing routine and the waitin a second or two for it too scurry out before i went forward and as i turned the corner there it was - smack dab under the table. i screamed and as i screamed it opened it's creepy little mouth really wide and was screaming too! i turned to run back up the stairs and you are not going to believe this but it started runnin with me! not like it was chasing me - they really aren't the chasin sort of critters. as i ran up the stairs it caught up with me and was runnin ALONGSIDE me! like...i don't know - like we had BOTH seen somethin that scared us and were trying to get away from it TOGETHER! this made me scream more and run faster and i finally made it to the top a nano second before IT did and slammed the door. but i could still see it's creepy little hands or whatever they're called pushing underneath the bottom so i just kept screamin. of course i expected mini and her dad to rush to my aide and find out what horrible thing had happened to the adored matriarch of the family but was i ever wrong. it was as if they never heard me. seemed like forever before i heard, asked loud enough that i'd hear from the other room, 'hon, did ya run into some sort of problem down there?'.

i swear i did not go downstairs again for at least a month unless it was to go out the front door. of course mini's dad could'a cared less...until he actually encountered one himself....and wouldn't you know that within 24 hours the critter man that sells diet aides on the side showed up and started comin about every other week and in no time we could leave our shoes together in pairs.

but now it looks like they have discovered a new way in. and this time they aren't interested in food. they want the linens and the oven mitts and they are dead serious about gettin em. when we go downstairs after a night of thievery, there is a trail of dishtowels leadin to what i conclude is their gateway to get in and out and more than a few times there's been an oven mitt stuck halfway through. seems they just can't get it to fit completely through the hole altho they have succeeded with dishtowels cause we're missing many and our dryer only eats socks and not dishtowels as far as i know.

what on earth are they doin? mini thinks they are preparin for some fancy banquet and gigi thinks they're whippin up some outfits to compete with the well-dressed squirrel but of course both those theories are ridiculous. no way any critter could beat that squirrel for putting together an outfit.

anyway, i didn't even mean to go on and on about the critter problem...but i guess i did and now am plum outta time to blog about the other stuff i had a burnin desire to blog so i guess i'll have to come back tomorrow and do it.

hope you stopped by mojackson.com to pick up this week's orphans and that if you did they are workin out okay. sorry that the type is so hard to read this week on page two... guess i'll have to cut back on my sharin' or add another page for doin so...either way, thanks for keepin me inspired and i'll get ' dorothy's kitchen part two' all ready for you to adopt next week while i'm pushin those pixels into the cyber stock room!

thanks for stoppin by!