paper petals to the rescue

on a recent outting mini's daddy purchased a petite hydrangea plant for me to plop in a pretty pot and put in the entry hall. he knows i like to have flowers indoors everywhere this time o' year but those i've planted previously aren't particularly prepared for picking' just yet. once the bountiful blue blossoms were in position they looked just plain wrong all alone. so i headed outside to grab some white petunias that were patiently waiting to be planted. i jammed them in the black vessel and the result was better but not best. what was needed were roses. lots o' roses. in lots o' colors.

i've never had to arrange roses in my residence that were raised elsewhere but since none o' my own have yet risen up to rescue the hydrangeas i had no choice but to make some from scratch. thankfully pretending' to be mother nature by makin' faux flowers is no problem as i have years o' experience - another talent my cousin jo takes credit for bringing' into our bag o' tricks..

actually, our first foray into fashioning faux flowers was brought about by my cousin jo's jealousy - jealousy of sassy sissy babineaux who was in our sunday school class. see - suddenly sassy sissy started showin' up sunday mornings with sprays o' flowers shooting' outta' the shiny blonde curls that sprung from the perfectly pretty face that sat above her crisply ironed sunday school dress. her floral headed appearance forced compliments right outta every mouth - even the mean old women and creepy boys and this was all just too much for jo. she had always been the dictator o' all style and of course mean old women and creepy boys were HER challenges to charm and she wasn't about to lose her sunday mornings to some blossomed blonde who was lucky enough to have a dad with a part-time job deliverin' flowers on saturdays and a mom with an obvious addiction to her ironing board.

jo decided we too had to have flowers in our hair the followin' sunday but they had to be bigger 'n better than anything sissy's daddy buddy babineaux could rescue from the trash bin and bring back from the blossom barn. after sunday school we pondered the problem o' not posessin' any petals while sweltering' on the plastic covered backseat of aunt laura's station wagon. the only person we knew with an appreciation for flowers that didn't have to be dusted was our grandmother but we had been banned from her blossomin' backyard ever since we left her bushes barren when we sold all her roses door to door to raise money to buy new barbies after jo's brother bubba shot holes in ours with his BB gun. we made so much money we were able to get two new barbies , GI joe boyfriends for each and give the BB filled barbies a proper burial.

anyway - aunt laura unknowingly provided us with our situation's solution when she pulled off her pink peony plied pillbox and pitched it backwards where it landed in jo's sweaty lap. by the time she pulled up to her porch 'n parked we had enough plucked pillbox petals in our pockets to provide us with a pattern so we headed for the pantry to pilfer paper for our project. we weren't sure what we'd prefer so we pulled out waxed, butcher, freezer and even folded grocery bags. before heading' home we pinched a pile from the already-read newspaper basket.

after just a bit o' practice with our pattern and plethora o' papers we felt like petal producin' pros. we worked all week on the little table outside jo's turquoise trailer, tearing', tintin' , twisting' 'n turning' tiny pieces o' paper until we had two towerin' floral tiaras. finally finished we left our crowning creations outside so the globs o' glue could dry and headed for bed.

unfortunately during' the night it rained and our paper petaled towers had melted into pathetic piles o' pulp. jo was devastated that after all our work we'd have to arrive at sunday school flowerless. though i didn't tell her, i was thankful. thankful 'cause i thought we had gotten a bit carried away and coulda' stopped pasting' petals days ago but in pursuing our project 'til saturday, our helmets o' fake flowers were more madi gras than worship worthy.

in the end it didn't matter that we were bareheaded that sunday 'cause much to jo's delight, sassy sissy babineaux didn't appear. sally, our sunday school teacher, said her daddy had been transferred to texarkana and the family packed up their trailer and traveled there with him. this meant jo was top dog again.

we didn't get to show off our crazy creations at sunday school as we planned but i've always been grateful that jo's jealousy added flower makin' to our resume and with the passin' o' time we've mastered the art in just about anything that can be forced into the shape of a pretty petal.

for my current floral dilemma i decided to use mostly crepe paper 'cause it is easiest, quickest and would survive if it got in the way when the hydrangeas and petunias were watered. after a just a coupla' hours this is what i ended up with...

now, i'm sure you're thinking' it's not proper floral etiquette to mix fresh 'n faux flowers in the same vessel. i'm sure you don't see many other people doin' it but i 'm guilty of it all the time since there's always one spot or another that needs a lil something' extra.

if you like to have fresh flowers inhabit the inside of your house you might try makin' up a few emergency flowers too. there are oodles o' tutorials with just a bit o' web travel and i'm sure you already possess a glue gun and some sort of paper that would be perfect for your petals. if not you can set yourself up with enough crepe paper to make a flurry o' flowers without spending much at all. if you can't find some in your neighborhood, one of these internet locales - HERE or HERE - will deliver mighty fine crepe paper to your door.

don't be worried about failin' when fashioning your faux flowers. it's almost impossible. and even if you do end up with a few that you don't like, it's just a bit o' paper and a tiny bit of time - so pitch those aside and start again.

thanksgiving aftermath

since mini and her best friend from college did all the cooking for thanksgiving this time 'round, i thought i'd have time to shoot some shots o' diners who share my DNA all dressed up 'n sitting around my beautifully set table delightfully devouring mini's perfectly prepared offerings while enjoin' my excellent hostessin' skills. i would then share my inspirin' snaps with you just like those who blog beautiful do on a daily basis. as you can see, things didn't work out the way i hoped.

our gathering to give thanks was bumpy from the beginnin'...one group arrived waaay too early, another waaay too late and someone got called away to tend a slight emergency. when everyone was finally seated and appeared to be sufficiently thankful i decided i could begin to properly document the day. i picked up my camera and focused on the head o' the table where my aunt of eighty-eight was seated. i commanded her to 'smile' but instead o' doin so, her eyes rolled back in their hallow sockets and her boney hands went into fierce fists that flew up in the air as she slid down lower 'n lower until she completely vanished under the table. there she joined her granddaughter who had disappeared under the tablecloth upon arrival and refused to reappear unless she was given permission to sleep over.

my aunt's two sons immediately went under and began arguin' over what to do while the four year old screamed for them to all get outta' her 'club house'. our dining room table is very long and the guests toward the other end seemed unaware o' the chaos down below 'cause they just kept on eatin' 'n chattin'. thankfully mini's daddy had eyed the commotion between bites o' mini's tantalizing turkey and managed to dial 911 without ever havin' to put his fork down. within minutes a dashing and well equipped duo darted through the dining room door and ducked into the darkness to rescue my aunt from her sons and grandchild. the duo declared her far from death's door and drove her away with her immediate family - minus the granddaughter - closely following. assuming being left behind meant she had finally gotten her way, our youngest guest climbed into her grandmother's vacant chair at the head o' the table.

when the only guest remaining was the one who refused to leave i decided to peek into the kitchen to see the damage done by mini's day o' cookin'. my mini has always been a messy chef so i didn't expect to blinded by sparkling' clean countertops but what i found was beyond what i could have ever imagined. i do believe this thanksgiving meal preparation puts her at a whole new level - a level few could (or would want to ) compete with. i've always told her that whatever she decided to do, she needed to attempt to do better than anybody else. i'm not sure if you can tell from these photos but i can't imagine ANYBODY doin' this mess better. havin' failed to get beautiful pictures o' our thanksgiving celebration i shot the the aftermath so i'd have somethin'. not quite the pretty pictures i had in mind and certainly not inspirin'…but DEFINITELY entertaining'.

those who blog beautiful would surely shun such a showing. maybe i'll have better luck with the next holiday - maybe not. either way i'll keep trying.

my aunt is fine now. seems she hadn't eaten all day in anticipation of mini's cooking' and fainted. i'll get a good shot o' her at the head of the table next thanksgiving.

i hope your holidays are comin' along exactly like you wanted them to .

xxoxoxoxmo

bella

there are two rules i've asked mini's daddy to agree to when he's out n' about and the urge to take ownership o' somethin' or other takes over. the first is that he not buy somethin' that we should decide on together (snapping potential purchases with his iPhone has made that one easier to follow) and not to bring home a dog. he's never done either until now.

i know i must've written here at sometime or another over the eight past years about mini's daddy's need to hear a cash register ring at least twice before noon to feel all is well in his world. if i haven't divulged that info i'm sure i've at least mentioned how he seldom returns from even the shortest outing without some sort o' new acquisition. his 'gifts' to me, mini, jo and/or anyone else who happens to be residin' within our home are completely unpredictable. they can be really small and greatly appreciated - like a hershey bar - or really big and hugely bizarre - like the time he n' jo went to pick mini up at school in the pick-up and shortly after delivered her home in a brand new bright red prius (with jo following closely behind in the truck).

seldom are the doo dads my dear husband decides to drag through the door n' drop into our domicile disparaged. most o' the time he exhibits excellent taste. off the top o' my head i can only draft a list o' less than a dozen duds that made me dread his disposition for obtainin' what he deems desirable. and while i still hate the lamp he bought mini at a street fair made outta those plastic 'bright lights' and can't count the times i've pitched out those life sized fish mounted to wood that without warning start moving 'n beltin' out show tunes only to discover them back in position to serenade, i've come to feel the man's penchant for procuring is more of a benefit than a disadvantage. after all, he does happily welcome requests before he departs the house and with even the longest o' lists returns back with everything we actually need.

anyway...about the rule breakin'...he recently went to visit his best friend t.o. and i expected him to return with a bag full o' beautiful wool fabric since that's what a trip in that direction usually brings. instead he walked through the door carrying a wooly weary white dog. before i could demand he take her back where she came from he told me her sad saga.

her name is bella and she's eight years old. she lived all her life with a couple and their daughter but when the parents divorced recently she became homeless 'cause not a one of them wanted the responsibility o' carin' for her. so she was given to a woman who rescued dogs. when the woman had to leave town for a few days she asked t.o. to take care of her. he fell instantly in love with the homeless bella but knew he couldn't keep her 'cause he's single 'n travels constantly. it seems the dog gods were looking down on this homeless canine for the first time in a while 'cause right about the time she was supposed to leave mini's daddy arrived and not only does he have a weakness for shoppin' but also for any child or animal that might not be receiving' what they deserve. knowin' his wonderful wife - me - could care less for shopping' but was of like mind when it came to helping those who couldn't help themselves, he adopted bella into our family on the spot.

our new dog bella has a sweet face that always appears to be asking' if everything is okay and a clumsy sort of way that makes her oh so lovable. and unlike any other member o' my family (this includes men, daughters and cousins as well as canines), she is perfectly trained. the only problem so far is that she is completely devoted to her rescuer. any time he has to leave the house without her she sits by whatever door he departs from and cries until he returns. if we are able to pry her away she continues to stare in the direction from which he disappeared and quietly sobs until he returns. when he does reappear, she rejoices in leaps and loud yelps and refuses to leave his side. this behavior would be annoying if we didn't understand that she's scared to death o' bein' abandoned again.

i don't know the people who gave bella up after eight years so maybe there was a reasonable excuse for abandonin' a family member without any inquiries afterward. i often ponder how they could give her up and not need to know she is okay. disappearin' from her life did some serious damage to the poor lil' thing. until we can make her feel secure in her new home, mini's daddy can't indulge as often in his shoppin' habit since not every establishment allows dogs to accompany the spender. that's okay for now but i'm hopin' by christmas we succeed in makin' bella feel at home so he can get back to professional procurement status.

if you'd think you can use the art surroundin' the shot of my terrific trio you can download it HERE.

the mini march

as soon as mini's daddy made it through the front door tonight he yelled up to my creative perch askin'... "did you tell mini she could put red streaks in her hair?"

i quickly responded no then had time to think a bit before receiving her father's next batch o' words. those thoughts included me thinking...now that mini had abandoned me - her devoted mother - in an effort to gain more education and with this effort takin' place in a locale far far away from me, she could and probably would do a few things without asking me first and a few of those things might not be to my liking.

mini's daddy interrupted my thinkin' with, "well she did."

i then asked, "how do you know she put red streaks in her hair?"

he answered, gettin' a bit clearer as he climbed the stairs, "she sent me a picture."

i then repeated what he said as a question - "a picture?" - to which he responded "yeah - a picture... that was published."

i asked "published? where?" wonderin' why in the world would a picture of her with red streaks would be published.

"in the paper...maybe on a website."

"what was she doing to get her picture taken?"

yikes - maybe the red streaks were of a really bizarre nature.

"she was protesting.....in a march."

"what was she wearing?"

i wouldn't normally ask about her clothing before other more important queries but mini has always wanted to participate in a march protesting a cause she felt strongly about and has often expressed disappointment that her generation didn't seem much interested in marchin' for things they were for or against. knowing this was a big day for her and it was happening right after i had sent her two boxes of new clothes, i wanted to know if anything i sent had been deemed special enough to wear to her first ever protest.

"a gay pride rainbow sweater."

i knew the exact one - i bought a rainbow striped cropped sweater for her and one for me from the garnet hill catalog when she was in kindergarten, back when she liked for us to match. we wore them over our overalls.

"what was she wearin' under it?"

"nothing....i think she was wearing it with jeans." he had now made it to my studio door and was shufflin' through the day's mail without a care in the world as usual as i pummeled him with quesions.

"nothin'? was her stomach showin?"

"yes....her stomach was indeed showing and she had something painted on it." he was now headin' back downstairs. i may have even heard the beginnin' of a bit o' tune whistling - as if we were done with the topic and he was free to find our herd o' dogs who, unlike me, would welcome him home properly regardless o' the news he carried with him.

"painted on what?"

"painted on her stomach."

"WHAT was painted on her stomach?", i yelled down.

"i think it was the word 'slut' but i couldn't really see all the letters.", he yelled back up.

"SLUT! why would she wear a cropped gay pride lookin' sweater with her stomach showin' and on her showin' stomach paint the word slut ?." i think i may have been screechin' a bit by this point.

"well....i don't know but she looked happy and really pretty...except for those red streaks." and then he disappeared.

with my heart poundin' and havin' held my breath so long i feared i might pass out, i finally located the picture of my only child, my dear daughter, in her first official march - wearing my cropped garnet hill rainbow sweater (she outgrew hers long ago and it's arms are now two lil dog sweaters worn by coco and tink) with the word slut painted on her bare stomach.

the march mini was snapped participatin' in was somethin' called SlutWalk. i looked it up on the worldwide web and discovered it began in canada april of last year and soon became a cause 'round the world to protest anyone explaining or excusing rape by referring to the way a woman was dressed at the time the crime took place. the protests began when a toronto police officer suggested that to remain safe, "women should avoid dressing like sluts." the marchers are typically young women dressed in whatever their version of slutty is.

though i was quite relieved to discover mini's attire, bared body portion and the word it displayed were all quite appropriate for the march she participated in - and glad to see that cropped sweater gettin' a bit more use - i'm not sure i agree with the need to dress slutty for the march. but, even dressed and labeled slutty, mini's daddy was right about her lookin' happy.

but...red streaks? maybe he saw 'em but for the life o' me i can't. which is good 'cause i didnt give her permission to have 'em, slutty or not.

faux body images

ever since that jennifer love hewitt dared to show her reality thighs out in the open there has been lots o blah blah blah about the need for everyone to have good feelins' about their bodies. my much older sister queenie could sure help anybody findin' themselves lackin' in this area.

when my mom found a simplicity pattern she felt inspired to stitch together she would ask for our measurements. it's not like i was gonna measure any differently than the last time she got so inspired - at the very same time she found just the right fabric on sale at walmart for 99 cents a yard - but for some reason she could never find the right piece o' ripped up crinkled grocery bag she used for scribblin' the numbers - and all important information - onto...sometimes with her eyebrow pencil. so once again i'd take that stiff yellow strip - not sure if it's cardboard or paper or what - and wrap it around the circumference o' my protrudin' body parts and call out the sometimes painful numbers to my mom over the phone. she''d have to wait for queenie's body strings to arrive via the mail.

queenie has never allowed anyone to use one o' those crunchy numbered tapes on her royal skin. instead, whenever a recreation o' any o' her body parts is called for, she uses regular ol' twine and attaches a lil piece o' tape to the end sayin' which human part it recreates. this way she never knows the actual numbers and always feels just fine about whatever length those pieces o' twine end up bein'.

if invited for a visit to queenie's palace you can count on feelin' really good about yourself if you back up to the full-length mirror and crane your neck to check out how your behind looks in your 501 jeans cause she always has one o' those that reflects back a more stretched out version of yourself - not anywhere near a funhouse mirror but also nowhere close to accurately conveyin' your true saddlebag shapes. and since her bathroom scales are always set to a good ten pounds less than what i find on my own, jumpin' on for a weigh-in is a delightful experience. everybody leaves queenie's house with a pretty good body image - even if they do know it's ll pretend.

queenie says the only important opinion about how she looks is her own and the way she sees it she looks pretty darn good. and somehow since she always thinks she looks pretty darn good, i always think she does too.

fortunately my mini has inherited more o queenie's good body image feelins' than my own. at mini's age most girls are pretty critical of themselves but so far i have never heard mini complain about how i made her. she got some of these positive feelin's from her daddy as well 'cause no matter how he looks, in his mind he is the most handsome devil on the planet.

i am sometimes envious o' queenie's ability to love herself thru thick and thin. she never compares herself to others where i sometimes do...like when i go see the colorist to the stars in beverly hills to get my faux blonde hair and am placed smack dab between a faux red headed super model and a faux blonde academy award winner...i find it really hard not to close my eyes and wonder what it would be like to have just one really long leg (it might be worth havin' to hop from place to place) or the ability to throw on a tight t-shirt over a bra-less torso and not fear i'd be asked when my due date was.

on the other hand, mini's daddy is capable o' reachin' a whole new level o' self-love that often leaves me scratchin' my head. yesterday, when he returned from gettin' me a cappuccino at starbucks, he reported that he had stood in line with robert redford who "wasn't very tall" and "what a shame it is that he has 'that thing' on his face".

while rushin' to get all my projects done today i'm gonna ponder how borin' life would be if we were all the same. i'm sure most o' you have long been finished with all your holiday preparations while it will be quite the miracle if i ever do. i vow each ho-ho-holiday season that it will be the last that i feel the need to gift everyone with momade items and in the future will not only purchase all outgoin' gifts but pay the ridiculous amount charged to have them gift wrapped and shipped by someone other than me. it's more likely i will succeed at havin' queenie and mini's daddy's perfect body images before i am able to achieve such a lofty goal....especially since the time i spend makin' the gifts is really a present i am givin' to myself.

a rose is a rose...

here's a view for you o' today's cuttings along with the pretty blue sky floatin' above moland this mornin'. i have to admit the shot was taken by accident and the blooms weren't snipped by me nor did they end up inside with me.

i have blogged previously that my memory isn't great but i was beginnin' to think it had taken quite a turn toward really bad. if you do any gardenin' o' flowers for cuttin', you probably do like me and keep sort of an inventory in your head of what's bloomin' and gauge where you're gonna be snippin'. but for the last coupla' weeks the explosion o' roses stored in my mind and what i actually found the next day was completely out o' sync.

since jo's taste runs more toward botany that needs to be dust-busted once o' year and mimi is workin' too hard tryin' to get discovered by a hollywood producer (or win the lottery) to care about nature, i knew they weren't pinchin' my precious pink profusion o' petals...and though mini has taken to wearin' a rose in her carefully coiffed tresses or on the lapel o' one o' her vintage 'uniforms', she can't afford to sacrifice any o' her mornin' mirror time and demands her daddy deliver the day's decoration to her dressin' room door. so...i have been left scratchin' my faux blonde noggin' tryin' to figure out the dilemma o' the disappearin' roses.

today the answer to the dilemma was discovered! when i headed outdoors with the heavy canon on my shoulder and my favored orange handled fiskars in hand i discovered my one-time neighbor's housekeeper weldin' her own orange handled tool. the accidental photo was snapped while i stood tryin' to figure out what she was doin' in my garden cuttin' my roses and stuffin' 'em into her basket. i was left rather speechless when she turned and waved to me and as i got closer, startin' tellin' me how glad she was that the roses were so big this year. i'm not sure i ever did say anything before she picked up the basket o' my roses, carried 'em the distance out the gate and down the long driveway and across the wide street to her car.

the ex-neighbor who is at this moment enjoyin' my roses hasn't been my neighbor for at least six years. when she was my neighbor she had asked on a number o' occasions if she could send her housekeeper over to cut a coupla' flowers when she was runnin' low. i had never had a garden for a neighbor to covet before so i assumed this was equivalent to borrowin' a cup o' sugar or such and i always said 'sure'. i may be wrong but i am thinkin' that sendin' your housekeeper across town to fill a huge basket o' 'borrowed' blooms to beautify your boudoir borders on beastly behavior. at least now i know my memory hasn't gotten worse - altho i think i would prefer that over tryin' to figure out how to tell the ex-neighbor that a rose is a rose is a rose....but the rose belongs to me if it grew in my yard and that i am no longer in the bloom lendin' business.

before i go find mini's old locker combination lock to attach to the side gate, i will finally tell all o' you who have written and asked...how i put the old border on the photos. sorry it has taken me so long to remember! in photoshop o' almost any version, while on the layer with the photo you wanna put the border on, choose 'stroke' under 'edit'....when the box opens, enter a number o' pixels you want for the width....choose to add the border to the 'outside'....then click on the color choice in the same box and choose the color you want the border...leave everything else the same and hit 'okay'....and ta da! you gotcherself a picture with a border! i am horrible at givin' directions so if you give this a whirl and it doesn't work feel free to email me and i'll get jo to write out the process...before i have her call the ex-neighbor!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

d.i.y.

while flat on my back once again for the past week or so, i have had many a visitor look down directly and ask me why i don't hire someone to do my desired decoratin' so that i don't do damage to my dilapidated self. it is only those who didn't know my dear mother that ask this of me. the ones that did don't dare doubt that it is destined that if it needs to be done - or i desire it done - and i think i can do it, i must at least deliberate the doin' of it myself.

as you can see in this photo of my dear mother, she began her 'need to do' at a very early age. no doubt this shot was caught of her durin' the reconfiguration o' some piece o' furniture or, since doin' domestic deeds and doo dad collectin' go hand in hand, she may have been creatin' someplace safe to keep her earlier collections, large and small.

growin' up i never remember any type o' workman ever comin' round' to do anything. if somethin' broke, there was no need to run out to buy supplies for fixin' it. my mom would just disappear for a bit, rummage around in her many doo dad collections and come back shortly with whichever one was needed for the repair along with the perfect tool from the big red tool chest. the doo dad used might not be the one typically recommended but it would work and the faulty item usually never need repairin' again.

while the door to our house was never locked and seldom knocked (friends and neighbors would just open it and announce themselves), the doo dads and the big red metal craftsman toolbox had a home of their own complete with security system. and since lookin' for what was needed for the job at hand could take a while, there was even air conditionin' to relieve the texas heat.

when big enough to weld a hammer without tippin' over from it's weight, we kids got to help with the decoratin' and domestic deeds. queenie was never much interested - we assumed it was cause she planned to marry prince charles and as his wife wouldn't have the use for these skills. but michael and i were excellent students and in no time were allowed access to the big red toolbox and the doo dads. once we were old enough to get a driver's license, we had to learn to change a flat and a fuel pump before takin' the driver's test. i should'a spent a lil time beforehand attemptin' parallel parkin' too as i failed three times. luckily durin' the fourth attempt we had a flat and the tester was so impressed with my abilities at swiftly takin' the flat tire off and replacin' it with the spare that he passed me without makin' me do any further drivin'.

when i left home and ventured out into the real world, i was amazed that there were people who were not willin' to at least attempt to do the things they desired done and even more shocked that not everyone was required to dedicate decent dimensions of their domicile for storin' their doo dads...in fact...most people didn't even have doo dads! there were many i encountered that dared to refer to my own as 'whatnots' or 'chatchkees'...and worse....junk! how dare they! 'whatnots' and 'chatchkees' (i have no idea how to spell that offensive word) are small dust collectin' items with no purpose, placed row after row takin' up good space that could be put to better use. i could only feel sorry for those who made such a display of ignorance and poor upbringin'.

mini's daddy wasn't too crazy about my doo dad collection when he realized it was gonna go wherever i did and if he wanted me he had to welcome it along with my big toolbox. he was the kind o' person who was happy to pay strangers to do everything. but it didn't take him long to realize how fortunate he was to have himself a doo dad collectin' tool box ownin' wife. and he was proud as could be when by the age of two, mini could look at just about anything and create some version of it herself outta whatever she had at hand.

one o' my proudest moments as a hostess was durin' a show'n tell when mini was in the second grade. her friend diana - who had visited us the weekend before cause her mom was recoverin' from a neck injury - showed a stool she had made and painted durin' her visit and her tellin' included that if you visited our house, you could make all your dreams come true. this was quite an exaggeration of course but it was nice that she felt that way. whenever i see her, she still runs up and squeezes me tightly, which is unusual behavior for girls durin' the body snatchin' years.

after breakin' my back i found that i could do just 'bout anything and wouldn't have to pay for it til two days later when i might not be able to move quickly or maybe at all. but if i stayed pretty still and pounded down some advil i'd be back to normal the next mornin'. i'm afraid with each passin' year it is takin' more than a day to bounce back. and if i take on a domestic deed too dauntin', like paintin' the walls o' the doo dad den to match the newly painted floor, my recovery time can turn into a spin flat on the floor for a good five days to a week.

i'm almost back to normal now which is a good thing cause it's drivin' me crazy layin' here lookin' up at a ceilin' that doesn't match the rest o' the room. mini's daddy has hired someone to come in and do it but they better come soon cause in another day or so i may just have to do it myself.

queenie chose this picture o' my dear mom with her hammer as the one placed on the easel durin' her funeral. anyone who didn't have the good fortune to know her would feel it wasn't appropriate and find an olan mills studio shot much more appropriate. but everyone who attended thought it was the perfect choice for a lifelong doo dad collector and tool box owner who attempted to do anything that needed done.

tink

most dog owners wouldn't be too concerned to find their precious pooch perched on pretty pillows like this with their peepers tightly closed. i, on the other hand, go into a panic and start pokin' her to make sure she is alive. the reason for such behavior is that this pampered puppy lives among die hard chocoholics. we don't necessarily have to eat it everyday but we all get real nervous if there's none waitin' for us within arms length.

as much as i love this lil puff ball, if i had known she wouldn't be able to share a 1.55 ounce hershey's bar, one o mini's deluxe chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven or a coupla m&m's with me i would have committed myself to the betty crocker center or wherever it is that chocoholics go to dry out before i brought her home. altho my addiction has always been so serious that might've meant she'd still be waitin'.

humans who have been dog lovers all their lives just assume everyone knows that dogs can't eat chocolate. i must admit i had never knew. the first i ever heard of it was when i was leavin' the breeder's house, carryin with me tink in the pink chenille personalized bassinette i had made for her. i patiently listened to 2 hours of rules and regulations that i had to solemnly swear to adhere to if i wanted mini's daddy to have the right to hand her a check written out in an amount that would buy a small used car. when we were finally allowed to leave, i was certain i knew everything necessary to take really good care of my teeny canine child. it wasn't til i was gettin' in the car that the breeder shouted out, 'and remember - even a small amount o chocolate will kill her'. i was certain my ears were playin' tricks on me. when we were all back in the car i asked mini's daddy if that was really true...no chocolate for my dog? yes he said, dogs weren't supposed to eat chocolate.

but what about his wiener dogs? he's had five durin' our married life and all of em have eaten chocolate. willie and wall e. would do any tricks requested for hours on end for just one tootsie roll - those real little ones. and wiener number three, wilma, once ripped open the corners of 12 boxes o godiva chocolates, all wrapped in that pretty gold paper, and ate everything that she could reach with her long snout which was about a half of each box (she also loved pepsi and would run off with a can of it and then bring it back empty). and number four and five, betty and fred, have been caught stealin' whole bags o oreos from the pantry and only eat the chocolate parts and leave the middles tucked here and there in the grass. mini's daddy said they were special so the chocolate rule didn't apply.

i have been lucky that until recently, tink has never showed much interest in the forbidden food...though she has chewed quite a bit o gum. she loves gum and has some sorta gum radar and can locate it no matter where it's tucked away. she's quite capable of chewin' it like it was meant to be chewed but we do our best to keep her from makin' it a habit.

last weekend one o mini's bodysnatchin' friends came for a sleep over. for some reason she never stopped eatin' - every time i looked at her she was popping somethin or other in her mouth. the pocket of her pajama's were filled to the brim with calories of all sorts. when she left i found her pajamas hurled on the floor and only tink's tail waggin' outta the pocket. when i pulled her out there was nothin' left in the pocket but one chocolate chip. we rushed her to the dog emergency room and even though they said she'd be fine, i didn't take my eyes off of her for at least 48 hours straight. it was durin' this time that she took up this new sleepin' pose - the one that makes her look less than alive. i guess i'll get used to it after awhile but it has given me quite a few scares this past week. it's even made me not have such a cravin' for chocolate.

a quick update before i blog off....so many of you emailed to ask what positions jo & mimi were takin in the rosie & donny debacle that jo promised to blog about it this weekend. much to mini's daddy's disappointment, they both honored their agreement not to speak again til tomorrow. i'm afraid it won't matter though cause durin' their break from debatin' the president did some of his talkin on nationwide t.v. and you haven't seen anything as wild as mimi and jo when they get goin' on him. i think i better get a good night's sleep cause the mornin' promises to be quite entertainin' and i'd hate to miss even a minute of it.

thanks for stoppin' by and a special thanks to all who stop that extra bit o time to send those lil messages before heading off! it's much appreciated!

a new annoyance

i am a bit annoyed at mini's daddy but not yet to the point o draggin the 'husband for sale' sign back out into the yard which is good cause i have a waitin list o friends wantin to use it. anyway, seems since he can no longer count on me to hide the fire extinguishers so he can seek em and drag em back out, his new joy is turnin the air conditioner to somethin toastier than the lower number i prefer it set to when i have the doo dad factory runnin at top speed. i bet i have set it to where i need it and he has snuck down the hall and turned it back up no less than 50 times since he realized i am no longer hidin the fire extinguishers. if this keeps up, drastic doo dad'n measures will be necessary....i will be forced to call upon my most resourceful self to perform diabolical and deceitful doins. in other words, i'll need to take a shot o the new digital thermostat display recently installed and doctor it up into a 72 or so degree decoy for the damn thing to don. it's kind dark down the hall where all this degree dealin is happenin and my doo dad'n skills should be sufficient for duplicatin the dreaded degree mini's daddy has decided to force upon the doo dad den.

in case you are thinkin of defendin mini's daddy in this dilemma due to the dour warnins from those dedicated to energy conservation and such, please don't. i work real hard to be a good citizen in the area of helpin to protect our environment and am sure i have earned a bit o cool air while performin my duties as a doo dad designer. i grew up down south - in an area proclaimed to be the most unhealthy place in america a woman could possibly live - surrounded by oil refineries with no faux air of any kind and i feel all that sweatin and misery should be counted toward my total environment protectin points.

even self-appointed global warnin guru al gore would agree after takin a look at any one o the pictures taken at one a my school functions - you know - those where you stand next to your date wearin your corsage and fancy dress? in every one o mine both me and my date are drippin wet - and it ain't from tusselin in the back seat before the picture was taken either. there's nothin like dryin off after takin a shower and feelin like you never bothered to do so. jo swears she dated the ugliest boy in town one summer just so she could ride around in his air conditioned car a couple o times a day for relief from the heat.

growin up, i never had first hand experience of a breeze - we did get some mighty strong winds durin hurricane season but i never felt any of em cause we would already be in the un-airconditioned car - with all the windows down so the mosquitos would remain blown out - headin inland toward my aunt paula's always air conditioned house before any big gusts were whipped in our direction. it wasn't until i was in my twenties and far away from texas that i learned not everyone in the world had to feel hot and sweaty year round and i really don't wanna feel that way when in the comfort o my own home sweet home. mini says that the day her daddy stops thinkin of new ways to annoy us is the day we need to worry about how much he loves us. knowin him as i do, i must admit this made a bit o sense but made me no cooler or less determined to get him to stop heatin things up.

sorry to be complainin - from what i hear it's hot just about everywhere so i hope you haven't been miserable too! i just stopped by to say - between the thermostat war and my eyes still hurtin a bit from the cinnamon toast fire extinguishin, i had to take a day off from the ol blog here but hope to be back, cool as i desire to be and peepers in fine workin order tomorrow or the next day at the latest. i even had tink model some more new duds for displayin and took some snaps o that damn squirrel and her children on their latest climb down from above the doo dad den and out into moland...so i hope to see you back here then!

resourceful party givin' skills

my mom could always throw a party together in no time. all she needed was a trip to texas avenue grocery store and about a couple hours notice.

where i grew up, throwin a party meant you put the fritos in a nice piece o tupperware instead of leavin em in the bag and you got the bean dip cracked open before the guests arrived. if it was a really nice affair, like a weddin shower or such, we also put out some planter's mixed nuts and those lil brach's pastel mints in the fake crystal bowls my mom had picked up at some gargae sale along the way. if there was food that you couldn't eat with your hands or poke into your mouth with a toothpick, you could buy bout 100 or so forks in a big ol bag and pitch em in a pile on the table next to the paper plates...but it was lots easier to make sure all the eatins' fell into the finger food category. we'd go out in the yard and wack off an interestin branch o leaves from a tree or bush and put it in a jelly jar or somethin and if there was any time left my mom would dig through her pile o fabrics and rip some pretty piece into lil squares to use for napkins. i was always fanscinated at how my mom could find the solution to whatever was called for without ever leavin the house or spendin a dime.

over the years i have added quite a few party givin tricks to those learned from my mom but with the birthday celebration last week for jo and mini mo's daddy, seems none of em were needed.

whenever we have larger parties, i always have mini's daddy roll out the big ol' round tables for 8 and do up some roundish type arrangement to plop in the middle. i couldn't do that this time cause mini's daddy didn't know i had a celebration planned. and when it was time for me to get things set up, the gardener was long gone and there was nary a muscled soul to assist me in the heavy liftin. i had no choice but to start pushin the big ol long tables from the garage to their party locale - workin up a good sweat along the way.

once i got em all set up i had to figure out what to use for a tablecloth. it needed to be one big ol long piece'a somethin. i called a rental place and they would happily deliver one that was perfect for a perfectly high fee o $110.00 dollars. i was desperate but not to the point of stupidity yet. i went diggin thru my fabric supply and yanked out a bolt of muslin that was part o my inheritance from my mom. perfect in every way! the right width and length - even some left over for napkins! all it took was a few rips and that problem was solved!

now i needed to figure out what to put flowers in, all down the table...i wanted them all to look alike and my typical table decoratin containers were too big. i went inside to ponder the situation and search my collection, to no avail. i felt maybe some vitamin C would help see me through what would be a long, hard day so i grabbed a jar o m&ms from the pantry on my way out to start cuttin the flowers. it took only the time i spent emptyin' a quarts worth o m&ms into my mouth to realize
the now empty mason jar was the answer to my current dilemma - i had plenty and could even let the guests take em home as a lil party favor when they left....i'd do up enough so there wouldn't be any hair pullin fights over em like there used to be over such things back home. i lined the insides o the jars with hydrangea leaves and then made big o bundle of mostly roses and hydrangeas and wrapped em up tight with wire and shoved em in the jars. i pondered addin some ribbon but since i was usin colorful fiestaware on the table i felt it wasn't necessary. all this came together so easily, i had plenty o time to fill about 100 or so more jars with sand and candles...most of em i used to line the driveway and then took the rest and added a bit o wire around the tops and hung em from the trees.

well...i must say....this ended up bein the cheapest and prettiest party i have ever thrown together! i doubt those round tables will ever be invited to one o my parties again cause the long one was such a success. at past parties, with individual tables, everyone seemed to stick with the people they came with....at this party everyone stayed at the table for hours, chattin and laughin and gettin to know each other. it felt more like a big ol family gatherin rather than a party of lots'o people who didn't know each other before they sat down.

seems like just yesterday i learned all my mom's fine party givin skills and they still serve me well so many years later, especially in a hostessin crisis. like when the cake arrived without any doo dads on top...just plain ol white! recallin my mom's decorating technique in such a situation, (she'd just grab those brach's mints and smash em into the icing - maybe spell out the guest o honor's name or put em in the shape of a flower or such), i went outside and cut a few more flowers, set em on top o the cake and ended up with what you see in the picture. mini added the plastic butterfly as a finishin touch.

lots o guests tell me i am talented in the ways of party givin but i think the real word for it would be resourceful...and i have to give all the credit for it to my dear ol mom! i'm hopin sharin some o her party givin secrets with you might inspire you to throw a party yourself, callin on your more resourceful side! if you do give it a whirl and need any help, shoot me an email....and be sure to send me some pictures!

thanks again for stoppin by and i hope to see you again soon!

better late than frenzied

i was a lil worried today when mini's daddy said he was disappointed in my recent bloggin...i was afraid he hadn't taken too kindly to me tryin to sell him off. but seems he hadn't visited in the last coupl'a days and was referrin to me neglectin to doin any braggin blog about my fancy mother's day present....so here it is. maybe now when he does see i was tryin to sell him he won't feel so bad.

i guess i didn't brag blog cause i had felt so guilty. see - i thought mother's day was the sunday before and had worked myself up into a frenzy thinkin they had plum forgotten it was the day of the year to shower me with gifts, praise and love for bein so devoted to em both. i must admit i had some unkind thoughts about my family thinkin they were gonna let my special day come and go with nary one pile of gifts bein plopped before my feet. boy did i feel foolish for wastin such a good frenzy when i found out i had jumped the gun! i'm just glad i never admitted to either of em that i had done so...i'm afraid the result might've been me not gettin such good treatment when the day actually arrived!

anyway, here is me and my latest reward for bein such a good mother...okay...maybe a moderately successful mother but aimin all the time for good and just not always hittin the mark exactly as i planned. i'd love to give you a bit of a product review but that'll have to wait cause i'm still tryin to figure out exactly how to work the thing...i can tell you that i had hoped for what my pro-fessional photographer friends said was the best camera i could get...i just never guessed i would also be gifted with the heaviest! but i'm not complainin - my arm muscles can always use a bit o tonin!

sorry to be so late in sendin out the greetin but better late than frenzied.....i hope you all had a wonderful mother's day too...whether you got the day right or not!

hate to disappoint all you jo fans but it's just me - mo. jo is havin her weekly coffee klatch with the neighborhood gardeners. it's usually over by this time o the mornin but today they were gonna do a craft project...i think she decided to show em how to poke a hole in a plastic flamingo so that a potted plant could be crammed in the openin.

i was well into a bit o bloggin about some thoughts i have had lately about mini mo's daddy when i noticed my site was down again.....so i had to stop the bloggin and contact the server people to try to find out what was goin on. for some reason this has been happenin more and more often lately and each time i contact em i am a bit more frustrated.

back when i was in the need of a server the one i ended up with was rated as one of the most reliable. not havin much experience with em at the time - well, actually none whatsoever - i ended up just lettin mini's daddy make the choice for me and for the most part, until the past month or so, i have never had to give them much thought.

but with the recent problems i have been forced to pay a bit more attention. in doin so, i happened to look closer at the original info they sent so long ago and noticed somethin i should have seen before. the first batch o info they sent, tryin to get me to choose them for my servin needs, featured real pretty blonde women with headsets on smilin with big white teeth as they pretended to be servin up the servin service. BUT the pictures that showed up AFTER i signed up and sent in my money were of a completely different sort....all the women were dark haired, dressed in brocade sari type things and a couple of em even had some sort of sequin lookin decoration stuck right smack dab in the middle of the foreheads. hmmmm...maybe this is the reason that almost every time i contact em via their 24 hour round the clock chatty help desk that they are so proud of, to get help, i end up feelin like i am speakin a completely different language than those who are supposed to be able to help me.

since i have now used up all my bloggin time chattin with the almost unchattable and have to leave for my least favorite place in the world - the dentist - but have vowed to do a lil bloggin almost every day, i am forced set aside my previous planned bloggin and blog to you instead with my un-chat with the company i have trusted to make sure moland is always open, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.....

here is how our chat went just a bit ago.....

You are now chatting with 'Saimi Kirani'
Saimi Kirani: Hello, This is Saimi, at your service. How may i help you ?

mo: could you please tell me why the server is down yet again? mojackson.com

Saimi Kirani: please hold on .

Saimi Kirani: Let me check it.

after a reeeeaaallly long time....

mo: yooo hooo....are you there? it is back up now i think...but can you find out for me why this has been happenin so often? i keep asking and am gettin no answers.

Saimi Kirani: Some maintenance work is going on. Sorry, for the inconvenience.

mo: hmmmm...that is always what i am told when we meet this way and have these lil chats...is it typical to have to do maintenance every day, sometimes numerous times a day? is the equipment that rickety and fragile...that a few lil doo dads movin to and fro could create such a need for constant maintainin?

Saimi Kirani: It will be resolved shortly.

mo: well...as i said... i think it is resolved now....this go round.

Saimi Kirani: see....it be resolved shortly.

mo: but why does this happen so often...at least once a day? i really need to know. i filed many a work ticket about this and have gotten no reply.

Saimi Kirani: Our admin guys are working on it to put it in uptime all the days.

mo: what does that mean...uptime all the days? and why do they have to work on it to 'put it in uptime all the days'? shouldn't that be the normal state of things?

Saimi Kirani: They are fixing the problems as soon as possible.

mo: yes...i understand that...but why are there so many problems?

Saimi Kirani: It will be resolved shortly.

mo: you are not answering my question...i want to know why this happens day after day after day.....

Saimi Kirani: If complaint comes, they are immediately looking on it.

mo: are you sayin they only 'looking' on it when there is a complaint? what if i don't complain...does nothin get done then?

Saimi Kirani: ok.

mo:..can you get some answers for me?

Saimi Kirani: maybe place ticket for work

mo: i keep placin work tickets to no avail. what else do i need to do to get some help?

Saimi Kirani: ok.

mo: does that mean...'ok'....do you mean 'yes' - you can help get some answers for me...i do not understand what you mean by 'ok'...i am asking a question that would not be answered by the word 'ok'.

Saimi Kirani: ok.

mo: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Saimi Kirani: ok.

mo: i get the feelin you can't understand what i am sayin.....

Saimi Kiranin: ok.

mo: please...i am beggin you....stop sayin ok....i need some help - i can't keep my doo dads at a place where they aren't bein taken proper care of.

Saimi Kirani: I will take this issue to our superiors.

mo: and when can i expect someone to get in touch with me with some sort of answer?

Saimi Kirani: ok

mo: in other words....you cannot help me?

Saimi Kirani: ok

mo: well... i must go now....i am wastin the time i should be usin to find a better home for my doo dads cause you aren't doin a very good job of carin for em.

Saimi Kirani: ok

self-indulgence

i apologize greatly for ignorin my publishin responsibilities for so long. it certainly isn't due to a lack of things to write about....in fact, it's just the opposite....i have found this new year over populatin my noggin with many concerns i wanted to share, debate and ponder along with you. the problem has been they were all more about the happenins in the world than right here around me and every time i pointed my two typin fingers toward the keyboard, the result ended up soundin sort of whiney.

if you are a mom, i'm pretty sure you are like me and worry on a daily basis how well you are doin your jobs - the motherin one and the life partner one and maybe a money payin one. lately i find myself spendin more and more time wonderin how i'm doin in my job as a human bein. sometimes i feel a bit overwhelmed by it all and work at tryin to keep everything in the proper perspective. it's been harder lately cause there are just so many things happenin today that i can't make sense of. i do believe that it has been the ponderin of all these worldly concerns that has kept me from bein able to do much bloggin in the last coupl'o months.

for almost a year i have truly enjoyed the self-indulgence of writin about the doins in my family. but lately there are so many things goin on that effect every mother's daily life, it seemed somehow wrong to write about my small bit of the globe without acknowledgin the the goins on elsewhere and i just couldn't quite figure out how to do both. like everything in life, there is a fine line to bloggin. nobody wants to read a blog full of some ol list o' worries...what a downer that would be. most people read blogs as a form of entertainment, a way of learnin things they don't know and seeing how people see things differently than they do.

today i started thinkin...if i am spendin so much time thinkin about some of these things, some of you have got to be doin the same and maybe it would be just fine to sort of mix em up - the self-indulgent musins' and the worldly worryin. if this solution doesn't set well with you just skip over which ever one you don't wanna read...that way i'll be able to jump start my regular bloggin and you won't keep showin up and seein the same ol thing.

now that i have warned you about the possibility of mixin up my worryin with my musins' in future bloggins, i thought i'd use the rest of this one to provide an update for all of you who have written askin me how things are and where i have been and when i am gonna start my bloggin again. i must admit it's nice to be missed.

...so here's a lil self-indulgent update.....

the body snatcher continues to desire spendin less time with me and more time playin the electric guitar, starin at herself in the you're-so-vanity and on her computer. she went to her first big school dance and arrived home in tears cause her crush kept lookin at her but never asked her to take to the floor for a spin. apparently ever time they made eye contact they would both turn their heads in the other direction. i tried to comfort her but everything i said was wrong. after she left in a sobbin huff i was hysterical thinkin i was such a bad mother that my lack of knowin how to handle such a serious situation might allow her to slide into one of those teen depressions that lead to drug addiction and self mutilation and such and was wishin i had webchyck's phone number as i read her blog and she seems to know how to successfully handle all body snatchin scenarios and never writes about hyperventilatin and maybe she'd agree to trade advice for doo dads. i decided to poke my head into the snatcher's domain to make sure my only child wasn't cryin too hard for breathin and what before my dumb mother eyes appears but a happy cheerful body snatcher - fingers flyin over the keyboard. i asked her if everything was okay and she said, 'mom, some things can only be made better by your friends'. of course the day before she told me she didn't have any and i spent a sleepless night worryin about where they might have all gone between this announcement by her and the short time since all six of em were here - havin a fashion show, modelin everything they could find on a hanger but bein in too big of a hurry to leave for the concert mini's daddy was takin em to, to hang nary one thing back up. ah but there is such a fine line between payin attention and attention paid when it comes to bein a mother.

mini's daddy has decided to take a lil time off to spend time with me and mini at home. this means he is drivin us all nuts. i do believe he thinks that i stop exisitin when he leaves durin the day and i only come back alive when he reappears as he just can't understand why i do not enjoy his constant appearances at the door of the doo dad den and why i prefer his constant phone calls where i can just pretend to listen to his comedy. this vacation time of his has led me and jo to tryin to find him a hobby he can work toward becomin addicted to but all attempts so far have failed as he says buggin us IS his hobby. jo says if we don't find him a hobby that sticks me and mini and her will have to move if he ever retires. and it's not just us who he's buggin...after only one day of him sharin his vast horticulture knowledge with the finally replaced gardeners, they all showed up at the door and told me if i don't keep him away from em they will have to quit. he is already forbidden to talk to anyone workin inside the house cause last time he did we lost della who didn't understand his sense of humor. our new approach is to act real borin whenever he comes around so maybe he'll think bein home in the daytime is so unrewardin that he'll cut his time off short, be gone again durin the day and we can return to what i have come to know as a normal daily life but to most people appears to be a round the clock sitcom. this is a perfect example of yet another fine line in life...knowin the difference between quality and quantity of time spent with loved ones.

so that is my two paragraph update. the art here is from the book i am makin for mini called 'a charmed life'. it is the story of my life and hers told through the charms collected during both. you may have seen both of the spreads already but the one titled september 11th 2001 fits my recent feelings perfectly...my effort to balance the art of bein a good mother and a good human bein and how the really big things and really lil things get all mixed in together. the other tells a lil story of the begininn of my life with mini's daddy and i picked it since today is our weddin anniversary. i have had the flu for the past week and don't have a present to present for the big day so i thought i'd attach it too...he pretends not to read my bloggin but i know he does so this will be a lil self-indulgent surprise for him since he loves any kind of attention. he's the one that taught me that it doesn't matter what people say about you - good or bad - the problem is when they ignore you altogether (of course that's easy for him to say since he has never been in the pea throwin patch). i do write about him honestly and sometimes he may not sound like much of a prince charmin' but mini and i (and jo) adore him and he makes us feel safe no matter what sort of crazy things are goin on in the rest of the world. i wish i could say the same for a man named george but i'll save that for the mixin to come....

the peeper prober

like i was sayin before...sort of before MY new year started and BEFORE jo decided to do my bloggin and site designin for me while i tried to catch up on some much needed zzzzzzs...my peepers became pooped durin the last doo dad dilemma and along with the peeper problem i was perceivin purple neon patterns which led to pulsatin pains in my noggin. i think it was around that time, too, that that handsome brian williams came on the other screen in the doo dad den and announced that parcelin out to much advil to relieve daily aches and pains could lead you right to an early path to your final restin place. well, i am not quite ready to see the pearly gates and my peepers were painful around the clock which isn't conducive for doo dad'in and i decided that my problem may be too big for the peeper prober i had last visited in the strip mall not to far from my abode.

see...after i married the once prince charmin and sacrificed my 23 inch waist to give birth to our mini, i found i had to get that hollywood reporter and daily variety right up close to my face to see the words. i didn't think much of it until one day the once prince pestered me about how long it had been since i had my eyes checked. i pondered this for a bit, wantin to make sure i hadn't had some emergency room doctor check em out durin one of my mishaps while doin darin deeds back when i was datin dare devils. after quite a bit of time passed so that i could properly parade past my mind's eye all the dandy dare devils in dated datin order, i was finally was able to offer up an answer. "the second grade i do believe prince" are the words that came out of my mouth and before i knew it, the perplexed prince had me at cedars in the world's ugliest eye doctor's office - maybe the world's ugliest office. but the once prince said this was the home of the best eye doctor in all of the...hmmmm....nation i think were the perameters he picked to perk me up.

you'd think someone tryin to encourage you to see correctly would do so by pickin some pretty perky color scheme with pieces of pine made before the 70s and possibly even lay out some interestin periodicals from the present to peer at while patiently waitin for a probe. but this peeper's place was packed with chairs and such perhaps datin previous to the 60s, all painted up in a putrid peach paisley. when his pale nurse plied me from the waitin place and into the perch where they do the probin, she was cold as a popsicle and made snortin noises when she asked if i got my eyes tested regularly and i answered her that yes i did try to do so every 25 or 30 years. she then plopped all sorts of peeper covers over one pupil or the other and demanded i read all sorts of letters off to her and continued to snort after i read em - never was sure if i got em right or not, specially those pesky Ps. she then scribbled some stuff on her putrid pink pad and said 'DOCTOR will be in to see you shortly'. never much like it when they say DOCTOR instead of THE doctor...not sure why but it is always a bad sign of sorts to me.

DOCTOR finally came in and without really talkin to me started orderin me around - put your chin in this, look straight at this dot, read this, is this better or that better blah blah blah blah. i didn't care much for DOCTOR. finally he put his hand on my forehead and pushed back my noggin and pinched some drops into my eyes. he then pushed back his putrid peach chair and told me to make myself comfortable and he would be back in a pinch. it was really dark and i was real tired and could use a little rest so i found a pole on the side of that perch and pushed it down so i was pointed sort of flat and much more comfortable. when he came back in he acted all perplexed at the postion of the perch and sensin this i said "well you said to make myself comfortable" and back he shot, real pissy like, 'well, i didn't mean THAT comfortable!'

i left the mean peeper prober's ugly office with a prescription for new glasses and my prince had them placed in some custom made blue rhinestone filled cat eye glasses - just like the ones i wore back in the second grade. and lo and behold i could see. what's pitiful about the whole process of peepers and people perpetually peekin from em, you aren't really perceivin when you are peerin at all that you could be...it's a pokey process...peepers peterin out. but before i knew it, seems those papers were gettin pretty close to my face again. but no way was i goin to the mean prober! so i found a sweet lil opto shop in the strip mall not too far from my place and when i could no longer see the papers with my previously preemo peepers, i proceeded to procure an appointment.

he was really nice, the new prober, and his place proper and pretty with present day people magazines placed hither and yon so i decided to make him permanent. i never told mini's daddy about my new arrangement and since i wasn't walking into walls or anything, he didn't seem to worry. problem was i realized my ears were too low - somethin that probably happened around the same time my breasts got lower too. i realized it - the lower ears - cause when i put on my cat eyes with the new prescription in em, the only way i could see when workin on the doo dads was to tilt em in such a way that the peeper proppers went way up high and the cat eye part tilted way forward...doin this i could see fine but i must admit i looked rather pitiful.

then that pixel parsin pinky pointin occurred and what resulted with my peepers made me sort of scared - those purple patterns prancin in and out - so i told the past prince i was in a panic. once again i found myself in that ugly peeper prober's office but this time i made mini's daddy and mini come along. gigi and jo came too but only cause we had sort of a slumber party back in the trailer the night before and just moved it from the airstream to the car when it was time to leave. mini's daddy made the appointment for 8 a.m. which in our neck of the woods means ya gotta leave when it is still dark in case there's a hold up on one of the highways or byways and since none of us prefer travelin at that early hour we girls all decided to just wear our sleeping clothes with some fashionable overthing on top except jo who is just sure anytime she is in beverly hills there's a chance she'll run into fabio even though i told her i had never seen him wearin glasses so she got all dolled up and even slapped on some maybelline and spritzed another layer of aqua net on her beehive. in the rush to leave gigi had somehow managed to toast up a whole box of miniature eggos for us to fight over on the way so none of us got car sick.

the office was still ugly and nothin else had changed either. they made me fill out alot of those annoyin forms since it had been so long since my last visit. smack dab on the top paper i wrote in big letters that if i wasn't naggin mini or pretendin to listen to her daddy, i was starin at the doo dad screen. then i was pulled into the perch again and went thru the whole previous process, pretty much as before but this time brought in my posse to protect me...and maybe just possibly to piss the prober off a bit.

at the end the pale peeper prober presented the prescription to mini's daddy - he addressed everything to him as if i wasn't in the room except his bossin me to do this and that or when he glared silent commands at the three unwanted guests he had placed against the peach wall any time they made more than a peep. then mini asked him if my ears were too low for regular glasses to prop up power peepers and if so if it was somethin that was genetic and he said "no - her previous prescription was posOtively pathetic which required her to partake in the proppin - her picked permanent peeper prober should be in prison for practicin poor prescribin". then jo asked if the new prescription would be perfect for everything i needed to perceive, promptin gigi to take the clipboard directly from the prober's pinchers and read off the information i had penned about me spendin so much time at the doo dad screen. actin as if this was news to him, the pasty practitioner jerked the clipboard back from gigi and said "of course not - i will need to pen a prescription purposefully planned for peepin at 'puters" and so he did.

to make a much too long story appear to prepare to be headin for the end, i can now see better than i have in quite awhile which is postOtively wonderful...but this is what has bothered me since poppin my new prescription onto my perfectly placed ears (gonna try to find someone to say the same about my breasts): when you get new glasses and can see better than you did with the previous ones, how are you supposed to know if that's the best you can see? and if you got yourself a brand new pair and it takes proppin to peek, does that mean you are an idiot for not pickin up on the fact that they were prescribed pathetically? and if you go to the peeper prober and make a point of pennin' on the paper everything pertainin to your present peeper problems, shouldn't you assume they read it? and once presented with the prescription, shouldn't you presume when you place that paper in your purse before you pay that it should take care of all the problems you penned on that paper? when we were leavin the pale nurse pulled mini's daddy aside and pleaded with him next time to leave the posse at home. but that was a plea that will go unperformed cause if they hadn't of come with me and pursued what i presumed, i am thinkin i'd still be blamin low ears for my sight problems and be headin for the ear raisin doctor.

back when i used to peruse more of the internet i recall readin quite a few blogs where the writers mentioned more than once how they'd been havin some pretty bad headaches and now that i have had time to ponder this, i'm thinkin maybe i am not the only one who didn't know to ask for two different peeper prescriptions from the prober. i do so hope if you are sufferin like i was you too will ask yours if maybe another prescription might keep you from partakin in the same kind of pain i went thru. be sure to take along your prince or posse if need be - they sure can come in handy at times.

as usual i am behind in everything....i had some gremlins attack my site and it took a week to work the problem out. it's not like i was workin on it the whole week, around the clock but for some reason when somethin is broken i get stuck on it and have a hard time doin most anything else. then once it was done i had to have that sleepathon and when i woke up i had to study really hard for mini's exams this week and had fallen way behind on her homework. so i decided i'd just tell you for the time bein, until i get all caught up again, i'll come and do some bloggin at least once a week - that way maybe so many of you won't write me askin where the heck i am and make jokes about me still bein asleep. i hate it when i have let you down!

okay - gotta study a bit more and then get my full two hours of sleep in. if it's been a while since you got your peepers probed please be sure to make an appointment soon...and if you do any doo dad'n be sure to tell the prober so he'll give you the right prescription. i tried peekin at the computer screen through the only one i almost left my pathetic pupil prober's peachy place with and i sure would have been in a pixelatin panic if i hadn't gotten that second one too! oh - and before i go - when the site was broken i lost a parcel of the posts from people wantin to participate in the fun we have over in moland....so if i didn't get back with you feel free to let me know so i can pick you up where i was left off.

i needed to take a little break from the bloggin but i certainly didn't mean to be gone so long. there were a number of little things that i was ponderin and in no time there were some bigger things that needed more dedicated ponderin and before i knew it i hadn't blogged in so long people i didn't know were fretting that maybe i had been visitin my homeland when the big storms blew up and i was possibly washed out to sea.

i'm here to say that didn't occur although i did spend a good period of time, as i'm sure you did, paralyzed by the images i saw on the television by those who had the misfortune of livin exactly where those two lady storms ended of goin ashore. mini and her dad kept tryin to turn off the t.v. to get me movin again but realized they were wastin their time. if all those people were sufferin the least i could do was suffer along with 'em some. the whole thing was (and is) just so horrible i felt as if i was watchin the scariest yet way too far fetched to ever really happen movie.

all this sure has made me see some things differently. growin up on the gulf of mexico in a town where to escape you had to cross over a bridge no matter which direction you were escapin to, i remember learnin the word evacuation early on. in fact, up until this recent mess, i had quite fond memories of bein an evacuee. it meant to me we got to miss school and go to my auntie paula's in shreveport for a few days and visitin her a couple a' times every fall was worth any jammed up roads full of other evacuees. afterall, that's where my adored cousins rick and larry resided and they had air conditionin, coke in glass bottles and bordens chocolate milk in a carton - all kept at real nice freezey temperatures. we had NO air conditionin (even in the car that evacuated us), never had soda of any kind and our chocolate milk was the kind that came powdered in a tin and never really mixed quite right with the milk. i never understood what we were possibly runnin from. we always came back home to eveything lookin exactly the way it looked when we left and i never gave it another thought until the next time i needed to be an evacuee.

when i married mini's dad i quickly discovered 'those things' about him that men sort of hide from you until you are in a position where you HAVE to accept them. nothin as serious as the LBJ addiction but odd just the same. one of em i discovered completely by accident while trying to find a empty video tape. yep - picked one up, plopped it in the VCR (this was long before TIVO) and what i saw on the screen was a real shocker. so much so that i couldn't watch more than a few minutes of it. i ejected it and hid it so well it has never been seen again. i thought from time to time how traumatic it would be if mini ever saw it.

another thing i quickly discovered was that it appeared i had married some kinda safety nut. when we finally moved into his fancy just built bachelor dream house in the hollywood hills (which he never got to live in as a bachelor cause between the time he started and finished it he met the girl of his dreams - me, mo), there had to be workin flashlights in every room within reach and all the electrical outlets had those little emergency lights plugged into em - you know - the kind that come on and stay on for a long time if nothin else works? not too bad since i never had a night light as a kid and now had so many if they all came on at once i could be blinded for life.

the ugly red fire extinguishers in every room took more effort to get used to. as keen as this back-then-still-a-prince-charmin was into design and everything bein perfect, he felt that the big could-be-used-as-a-weapon flashlights and bright red fire extinguishers should be right out in the open. now this coulda worked if the color scheme for this brand spankin new, state of the art all-too-slickly-designed-for-me house was shiny black and red metal. then i might've been able to make the ugly things meld into their surroundings. but instead i was constantly kickin em under or behind somethin and then he'd come along and carefully place them back out where they could easily be grabbed for any emergency that might rush in. this probably happened about 10 or 20 times a day, with neither of us ever sayin a word about it.

the back of the house was made up of just about all glass so the biggest eyesores of all for me were the two big ol things i could see out of the corner of my eye from almost every place i went on the lower floor. there they sat - too big for me to haul away or hide with a carefully placed plant....a big ol water pump and a huge generator. i had to tell myself i was lucky he didn't keep em in the FRONT of the house. the water pump was there so when the house caught on fire, he would be ready to pump the water from the pool onto the fancy no longer bachelor pad and let the firemen help the other less prepared neighbors. then when the big earthquake hit, we would have the generator right there, out in the open, ready to go. he made sure the one he got was big enough to keep the whole street going if need be. it was beginnin to look as though he had a secret fantasy to become a super hero or somethin.

even with all this equipment sitting around makin him appear to be like that man the mom married on 'six feet under' - the one she sent to the looney bin - he never seemed to get too annoyed that i didn't share the same way of thinkin about his need to be prepared. not even when he went on one of his disaster check-list reviews and discovered that his big ol pile of one dollar bills, kept in the earthquake kit, had plum disappeared. that was my doin. i didn't mean to take it ALL. i never have any cash - ever since that man held a gun to my head at the ATM, i am usually cash poor. so whenever i found myself needin some and he wasn't around to take it from (i'm from the school of thought that what's his is mine and what was mine when i married him stays mine and in the bank), i'd just go take a few dollars out of the earthquake kit, havin every intention of putting it back but never quite doin so. i must admit i did get a little careless about how much i took after the first few times. after a while i would just grab a big wad cause they were just ONE dollar bills and they don't go very far. after i got caught he no longer kept the earthquake money with the other earthquake supplies. to this day i still look for it from time to time but have never found it. he lets mini know where it is but won't tell me.

anyway, all this equipment and hidden money and such seemed like just some weird hobby i had married into. if there was some sort of disaster, i might be forced to experience a day or so of discomfort - you know - until 'they' came to set everything back to working again. i lived in the united states of america after all and i would be taken care of. i realize i never really even gave this this much thought - it was just somethin i assumed. not that i don't worry about the big earthquake that's comin - when i had to pick mini's first pre-school, i never told anyone but i picked the one that i knew i could get to on my bike to resuce her by throwin her in the basket and bringin her home. and as much as the big foldin ladders bug me sitting on the wrought iron balconies, hinderin my pretty dangling-from-em plants, i have yet given in to my desire to pitch em off into the yard.

but as far as what would happen after i made sure my family was safe from immediate danger, well, 'they' would then show up and take care of whatever i needed. cause i was livin in america, land of the free, home of the brave and country of the prepared...and FEMA - whatever that was. so i would put up with mini's daddy's odd design un-friendly need for such a slightly expensive hobby. if the disaster came i thought he'd get to use all his toys just long enough for his vision of super heroism to be satisfied and then 'they' would show up and he could get the stuff all ready for the next time.

then came katrina and rita. after a few weeks of watchin the t.v. screen full of people goin days without eatin, bodies layin in the ditches, stadiums full of families sittin on cots and starin off into space, i have a new respect for mini's daddy's feelin that we need to be prepared for the comin disasters. and after realizin george's choice for the one to be in charge of the 'they' (who i had assumed would arrive lickety split to take care of me and my family and neighbors when the earthquake comes) was a baffoon, i have stopped kickin those fire extinguishers under the furniture and even listen a little more closely when he (george) says we need to trust him when he says so-n-so is the best person for some big ol job - like a supreme court judge or such. and i will never again tease mini's daddy when he goes and sits in on every city council meetin so he can make sure the city we live in is prepared for whatever might arise.

if the big disasters do come, i might not be able be to find the dollar bills right away but thanks to mini's daddy's efforts to always be prepared, at least i can put out the fire if it's blockin my way to the flashlights so i can grab one to use to go out and turn on the generator and light up what's left of the house so lookin for the cash will be easier.

most of those people down south seem like they weren't lookin for the big disaster to happen and i fear they will be sufferin for a long time to come....and even though ol george finally said he would take responsibility for what happened, he doesn't seem to have gotten much better in his way of thinkin about how to get things goin better and faster (and i don't have much faith that he will as long as his family is safe and has a roof over their heads and all their doo dads surroundin em). i really worry that with each passin day the horrible images that were on t.v. constantly will fade away...altho lately they seem only to be replaced by more images of the same sort of things, just in another part of the word. if you are even slightly religious you have to wonder if god is tryin to tell us somethin.

if you are like me and still feelin the need to help the victims of the hurricanes - or even those from the earthquake on the other side of the world, i hope you are also feelin the need for some delightful halloween doo dads delivered via download! if you are, please make a donation of $7.00 dollars or more to the american red cross between october 8th and november 1st and send a copy of your receipt to:
doodads_for_donating@mac.com
within 24 hours of receivin your proof of donation, you will receive a link for my halloween doo dad collection pictured at the top of this blog. i am only able to do this with the help of my very organized friend amy, from inspirecompany.com. as many of you know, i have the best intentions but fall short at trying to do too many things at once....so amy has taken on the job of getting all the links out. i promise you'll not only feel good about helpin out, you'll be delighted with the doo dads you download due to your donation. a huge thank you to everyone who donated last month!

i was thinkin before i sign off from this much too long entry back into blogdom, i should tell you what mini's daddy was doin on the tape i accidently found right after i had promised to love and honor him all the days of my life...but i think it would be more fun to make you guess...the first person to guess correctly can pick out a couple a sets of doo dads to download. just to keep you from goin in the wrong direction, it is somethin commonly done in public and just one more example of his efforts to be 'prepared' for the future payin off. be sure to leave me your email address if you think you know so you can reap your doo dad reward...or send me your guess via my email tab at mojackson.com.

thank you for stoppin by after my long absence. i do so hope you'll put me back on your list of daily visits and i will do my best not to disappoint you with somethin you have already read.

birthday parties & snail huntin'

the great snail hunt, originally uploaded by mo jackson.

i always wanted to be a mother and high up on the list of things i was lookin forward to doin, along with all the really important ones, was celebratin birthdays with elaborate creative parties each and every year.

i must say in the beginning i had the best ol time making the plans and creating the mutli-part invites by hand and going overboard with the decided upon theme and creatin party favors that would make it into the party favor hall of fame if one existed. and i was lucky that mini's dad just kept forkin over more dough for all the things i came up with to make sure mini mo had the best birthdays ever and would always remember with fondness how much we adored her and wanted her big day to be really special. and of course all the good photo ops created to have for lookin thru later in her life.

but i realized pretty early on this birthday party throwing can become overwhelmin. the problem is, whatever you do one year, you are expected - even if it's yourself doin the expectin - to do even better the next year. i achieved this silly goal for the most part.

we had an incredible farm party with a cajun band and just about every kind of farm animal imaginable in attendance. it went off without a hitch except that the goats ate all the flowers in all the flowers beds and the valet parkin guy left with most of the guests car keys so we had to pay to have the cars opened and new keys made.

then there was the really fancy tea party catered by the la-tee-da caterer but because they forgot to bring the ice i had to go get some and missed mini being suprised when snow white and all seven dwarfs arrived. i missed most of the circus party too - i was actually in attendance but don't really remember it much cause the man that would turn into a clown set his bag full of clown stuff down right behind me and when i turned to show him where he could go to turn into a clown, i tripped over the bag and injured myself so bad i had to take some pain relievin potion just to be able to move so it was just all a big blur. i hear it was a great party though.

even the parents enjoyed the party that the rock climbin man actually brought the big fake rock thing all the way up our long driveway so all the kids and parents could scale up and down over and over. but it was a bad day for mini's daddy's prized grass. see, even though the rock providin man had come a month earlier, just to make sure he could get the mountain in where it needed to be and then out again, it ended up the only way that fool could leave with the mountain was to drive his enormous truck and the whole mountain right down the middle of the beloved golf course like lawn. i think i would have understood mini's dad filin for a divorce that very night and tho he didn't i still hear about that truck draggin the mountain thru his grass from time to time.

the most memorable one for me was the year mini's weener dog betty turned one (she was actually born on the same day as mini) and mini wanted everyone to bring their dogs to the party with them - sort of a BYOD. mini's dad arranged for a whole dog circus to come and perform in the back yard. problem was the dog man got the time wrong and by the time he got here he had to set up the dog circus tent on the sloped front lawn (fixed since the mountain was pulled through it).

the tilt made it real difficult for the dog man and all the dogs to perform their tricks correctly. mini's dad finally had to tell him he could stop torturing the lil canines when the well-dressed poodles tried to stand on top of each other until there was a stack of about six of em on top of a unicycle and then the bottom one was supposed to take em all for a ride. they lost control and almost ended up in the street way down below where there was a big traffic jam of cars stopping to watch the whole crooked dog event.

of course the kids thought it was all part of the act - the dog man and his lil dressed up poodles flying hither and yon to the circus organ music but me knowin differently found the whole thing quite painful to watch even though the 70 somethin year old dog man in his one piece shiny blue spandex jumpsuit kept saying 'but the show must go on!'. last thing i wanted to happen was mini and all her friends being traumatized for life by seeing a bunch of pink skirted poodles and their master getting killed in some horrible trapeze accident because the slope made all of em miss their mark. it was surprisin though that all the dogs got along and the only fight that took place was between two of the moms.

before i knew it another year had passed and it was time to start plannin another birthday party. i have to admit i was dreadin hearin what mini had dreamed up for this year's celebration. you can imagine how thankful i was when mini asked if my feelins would be hurt if instead of having to come up with a big party for me to have (is that what she thought we were doing all that time!) if she just invited a few friends over for a slumber party. well, this was just what i had been hopin and dreamin for. she wanted to just order pizzas and swim and build a tent with blankets in the playroom and watch movies and do some' fun stuff'. i was beside myself with joy!

the big day arrived and it was so nice to enjoy spendin the day with mini instead of workin like a horse to get ready for a big ol party. i felt good about the whole thing until about an hour after the glrls arrived. they were bored with the swimming and asked me what fun thing i had planned for them to do since i was their favorite mom and they always looked forward to coming to our house because i had the best ideas in the whole wide world. ahhhhhh! i didn't dare tell them the plan i had...my plan was to dial the number to the pizza delivery place and plop their pizzas down in front of em to eat while they sat under the blanket tent and watched a movie. i guess all that flattery just wouldn't allow me to tell em that was all there was....so i said - well - it's real exciting - and i ran in the house without a clue as to what i would come back out with.

and that's what led up to my best birthday party activity idea in the history of me bein a mother and one that many people are still copying for their own parties. i gave the girls some little buckets i had been keeping art supplies in and had them write their name on the bottom with a sharpie. then they each got a flashlight and a pair of clean garden gloves and i told em we were going on a snail hunt.

for the next four hours we traveled all over the property gathering every single snail we could find - and there were hundreds of em. they had been making my gardening life a misery ever since i caught mean bob from next door pitching a big ol jar of em over the fence onto my side....who knows how many times he had done this before i caught him but for the last three years the slimy guys had been eating everything i planted. they were quick and ruthless. i once spent a whole day planting and the next morning it was as if they backed up a u-haul and moved the whole flower bed to another location. we tried everything to run em off that wouldn't kill our pets. the thing that worked best was putting out the beer for them to be attracted to but our weener wilma was attracted to it too and was becomin an alcoholic so we had to stop that technique.

i haven't seen a snail since that birthday which delights me but is sure disappointin when the kids ask if we can have another big snail hunt. too bad they can't catch squirrels or other creepy critters with just a bucket, flashlight and gloves. i'd sure be settin that up for the comin birthday.looks like mini has many things planned for her thirteenth birthday next week and none of them involve animals or fake mountains or party favors or invitations or really anything for me to do except maybe hand over the credit card. while i am relieved not to be trying to entertain a hundred or so people better than i did the year before, i must admit i to missin it some. i'm realizing it's an awful good thing i have the un-dog and the doo dads to keep me busy cause the body snatcher is needing less and less of me these days.

it's not that i'm exactly having a big ol pity party for myself in place of a big ol birthday party for mini but i do think there should be as many classes and books offered for moms concernin this change of life as there are when you're gonna have a baby or that other change that sounds almost as unpleasant as this one maybe but just not so sudden in comin on. like - why isn't there a 'what to expect when you're expectin...that baby to turn into a pre-teen". there's all sorts of books about kids that are talkin back or misbehavin....i can't find a single one written that involves a good kid just gettin older and more independent but where the mother is misbehhavin because she just isn't ready for it yet. is it possible that there aren't enough of us odd ones to bother helpin? and another thing i can't find is any help with the pros and cons of all this new fangled computer stuff mini wants to do....like instant messages and live journnals and something called my space. my excuse that oprah said it was a bad idea is starting to run a little thin and i need some help. maybe if i make it to the other side of it all i'll write that book myself - the one for the odd mothers as i can't be the only one that doesn't fit the normal description...could i?

well...i'm sure you're gettin tired of me complainin about the body snatcher and all the critter problems - altho i'm hopin one of you out there can benefit from having a big ol snail hunt! want you to know all the doo dads that were ordered before this week have been mailed so if yours didn't arrive yet and you haven't been chattin with us already (and you weren't one of the handful i emailed confessing to finding your stamped and ready to go package had somehow made it under the shabby couch), please email us so we can look into why they haven't arrived yet. we have worried ourselves silly just knowing we couldn't possible have sent so many doo dads in so many directions to so many people without making SOME mistake. we sure are lookin forward to you being able to download your doo dads right after you discover them and have to thank you again for the patience you have extended to me and jo over the last month. you won't be asked to use any when we're done with our site chores and are hoping to reward all of you who had to this past month!

before i go....i wanted to thank you all for sending me your "dorothy's kitchen" art - it's been amazin. dorothy has been having a time with her vision the last few years and hasn't seen the art or your work yet but her daughter margaret is going to be visitin' her this weekend and is going to make everything i send her big enough for dorothy to see and she will be delighted to see her name sake is getting lots of use! thank you for stopping by again!