the birds


since i felt a wee bit better yesterday i spent some time ponderin' why i was fallin' victim to every nasty germ that attached itself to me durin' my daily doings. my ponderin' led me to decide it might be because i eat too many things that have labels listing sugar as the main ingredient. in fact, i think i remembered puttin' practically nothin' but peppermint patties and peanut butter cups in my person right before becoming so sickly. how dumb i have been for delvin' into such a disgustin' diet. i vowed right then and there to hack my way out o' that horrible habit as hastily as i could and would do so by headin' to whole foods for a heap o' healthy hash 'n such.

i seldom go to the grocery store and when i do i stay for hours - going up and heading down each and every isle, gazin' gleefully at every grocery item that grabs my glance. but i would not give myself that gift on this grocery getaway. i was on a health mission and could not allow myself to be mesmerized - for even a minute - by minty macaroons, midget mud pies or mighty malted milk balls. i would carefully curve my cart to the carrots, cauliflower, cranberries and cantalope then right for the radishes, radicchio and red peppers. only fresh fare would be flung into my fast moving buggy.

when i arrived at whole foods they had a recordin' of birds chirping playing out into the parking lot - not little song birds i decided but maybe blackbirds. big black birds with loud singin' voices. at first i though it was really nice for whole foods to offer up those extra lil' things. once inside i realized i could still hear the birds and decided i would have preferred they pipe in some snappy tunes to shop to. after only a short time o' pushing my buggy up and down the aisles searchin' for somethin' sumptuous to supersede all the sugar i had recently consumed i found the constant bird babble was really beginnin' to bother me .

if you've been a reader o' this blog from way back in the olden days you might remember that i because of my mother's penchant for birds as pets i picked up a perpetual problem with birds (HERE just in case you've forgotten). i'm okay with 'em if they keep their distance - like waaay up in the sky or no closer than where they look like lil' bitty specks...i only like birds as specks. once they start getting close enough that i can tell without a doubt that they are birds and not specks that are possibly birds i can't handle it.

my fear o' birds is not all my mom's fault. mr. hitchcock is equally to blame. one viewin' of his movie 'the birds' thrown into the pot with a mother's passion for perched pets and i had myself a life long bird phobia.

so once the whole food's bird barkin' began to make me want to barf i could no longer focus on my mission. i never even made it to the fresh fruit 'n veggie aisles. before i knew it i had abandoned my buggy and was headed briskly back toward the door. i couldn't wait to be belted in my black car, headed home and away from the blarin' o' those beastly birds.

when i made it out the door it sounded like the recordin' o' the black birds had been turned up REALLY loud. but as i looked up to see where the speakers were blarin' from all i could see was black specks. in fact everywhere i looked there were black specks...big black specks that were movin' hither 'n yon. and then i realized - everywhere as far as i could see there were big black cacklin' birds. the only time i had seen this many birds bandyin' about in a bunch was in that horrid bird movie. i could tell most o' those were fake and just bein' hurled at tippy, who i knew was just pretendin' to be scared...even so, that movie had scarred me for life. and here i was - smack dab in the middle o' the real thing - hoppin' on the ground, the cars, coverin' every tree, every pole. i was surrounded by thousands o' birds and they were all screamin' and flappin' their wings which made me start screamin' and flailin' my arms. i have no idea how i made it to my car but once safely inside the birds began to bash into my windshield leavin' big white blobs as they flew off. i was certain i would die of a heart attack so i snapped a few shots to document what had killed me. i then quickly applied a fresh coat o' lipstick and fluffed up my hair so i'd at least look good when finally found.

the heart attack didn't come and i somehow made it home peerin' through the only poop-less area in the windshield. the bird scare had left me feelin' really hungry but since i had given the dumpster everything decent to digest before departin' i had no choice but to open up one o' the bags of candy santa had planned for mini's stocking. after downin' a roll o' neccos and half a pack o' my favorites - plain m&ms - i came to the conclusion i'd just wait 'til after christmas to start my healthy habits - another few days shouldn't be too bad. but someone else will have to get the groceries 'cause i'm not sure i'll ever wanna go back to whole foods.i do so hope your plans for the holidays are coming together nicely. be sure to have a lil' sugar and think o' me.


TracyMB @ Crows Feet Chic said...

I'm trying not to laugh but I do love that pic of you in the car... and I do remember that you are not fond of birds. Especially the popsicle sharin' variety. A nightmare for you indeed and definitely a sign to wait for the New Year. I'm with ya. And if you need someone who isn't afeared of the birds to break trail into the Piggly Wiggly, I'm your girl. xoxoxox

Christa Goldsmith said...

Oh my Mo... I just saw this and your photo is priceless! I know exactly what you mean with those black crows and grackles.. I can't imagine them all coming at you! I laughed when you said you made it home peering through the only poopless spot in your windshield! Keep some tuna in the pantry so it will offset the candy/sugar munchies... ummm does whole foods deliver? Maybe you can order on line for delivery like they used to do in the 1950's!! (I hear the milkman deliveries are now coming back too!!) Love your stories, and this page with you at the steering wheel is so funny I split a gut.. xoxo and send Tracy next time!! LOL :)xoxo Christa